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reality funnies
december 7, 2018
Wisconsin GOP votes to dissolve state rather than letting Democrats have it.
the onion
12/4/18
MADISON, WI—Passing the measure along party lines, the GOP-controlled Wisconsin legislature voted Tuesday to dissolve the 30th state admitted to the union rather than let governor-elect Tony Evers and other members of the Democratic Party have it.
“This essential legislation officially dismantles the State of Wisconsin, thereby ensuring Democrats, who won every statewide executive office on the ballot last month, will have no legal authority within its borders,” said Republican Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald, explaining that it would be reckless to honor the fair election of Democrats to the state’s executive branch and far preferable for Wisconsin to cease existing and become instead a lawless wasteland of snow and ice.
“While we cherish the past 170 years of statehood, there is simply too much at stake right now to allow the clear will of the people expressed at the polls to ruin Wisconsin by putting Democrats into positions such as governor and attorney general.”
At press time, the Republican-led legislature had passed a follow-up resolution naming outgoing Governor Scott Walker the Eternal God-King of the former state of Wisconsin.
https://politics.theonion.com/gop-controlled-wisconsin-legislature-votes-to-dissolve-1830857553/amp?__twitter_impression=true
“This essential legislation officially dismantles the State of Wisconsin, thereby ensuring Democrats, who won every statewide executive office on the ballot last month, will have no legal authority within its borders,” said Republican Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald, explaining that it would be reckless to honor the fair election of Democrats to the state’s executive branch and far preferable for Wisconsin to cease existing and become instead a lawless wasteland of snow and ice.
“While we cherish the past 170 years of statehood, there is simply too much at stake right now to allow the clear will of the people expressed at the polls to ruin Wisconsin by putting Democrats into positions such as governor and attorney general.”
At press time, the Republican-led legislature had passed a follow-up resolution naming outgoing Governor Scott Walker the Eternal God-King of the former state of Wisconsin.
https://politics.theonion.com/gop-controlled-wisconsin-legislature-votes-to-dissolve-1830857553/amp?__twitter_impression=true
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Mueller Offers Cyber Monday Plea Deals
the new yorker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Robert Mueller’s announcement that he would be offering Cyber Monday plea deals touched off hysteria among disgraced Trump associates desperate for the chance to score a drastically reduced sentence.
Moments after the office of the special counsel went live with its Cyber Monday Web site, Sing4Bob.com, thousands of Trump cronies flooded it with traffic, causing the site to briefly crash. Harland Dorrinson, the member of Mueller’s team who masterminded the Cyber Monday sale, said that the special counsel was offering a limited number of “prison doorbusters,” with sentences up to seventy-five per cent off.
“I’m not surprised that people are going crazy for these bargains,” Dorrinson said. “Otherwise, you could go to trial and face one of those Obama judges.” He said that Mueller’s Cyber Monday sale was benefitting from a piece of fortuitous timing, since it was being held on the same day that the former Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos was scheduled to report to prison for a two-week sentence.
“Everyone who goes on the site is looking for a Papadopoulos special,” he said. “Those were all gone in the first five minutes.”
Moments after the office of the special counsel went live with its Cyber Monday Web site, Sing4Bob.com, thousands of Trump cronies flooded it with traffic, causing the site to briefly crash. Harland Dorrinson, the member of Mueller’s team who masterminded the Cyber Monday sale, said that the special counsel was offering a limited number of “prison doorbusters,” with sentences up to seventy-five per cent off.
“I’m not surprised that people are going crazy for these bargains,” Dorrinson said. “Otherwise, you could go to trial and face one of those Obama judges.” He said that Mueller’s Cyber Monday sale was benefitting from a piece of fortuitous timing, since it was being held on the same day that the former Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos was scheduled to report to prison for a two-week sentence.
“Everyone who goes on the site is looking for a Papadopoulos special,” he said. “Those were all gone in the first five minutes.”
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Spies Eavesdropping on Trump Complain He Is Speaking in Indecipherable Language
BY ANDY BOROWITZ - THE NEW YORKER
OCTOBER 25, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Russian and Chinese spies who have been eavesdropping on Donald J. Trump’s unsecured iPhone calls complained on Thursday that he has foiled their efforts by speaking in a language that is infuriatingly indecipherable.
According to the spies, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, what they had hoped would be a treasure trove of valuable intercepts has amounted to little more than unintelligible gibberish.
“Trump has been communicating in an impenetrable code entirely of his own creation,” a Chinese spy said. “These phone calls might as well be triple-encrypted.”
A Russian spy who has monitored Trump’s calls around the clock said that the only words that could be identified clearly were “I” and “me,” but that they were used so frequently that they became virtually meaningless.
Both the Russians and the Chinese have given their top cryptologists the task of decoding Trump’s utterances, but many of these experts have quit within days, complaining of burnout, headaches, and depression.
“Trying to decipher Trump’s calls has reduced some of our top codebreakers to tears,” one Russian spymaster said. “They all miss Obama.”
According to the spies, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, what they had hoped would be a treasure trove of valuable intercepts has amounted to little more than unintelligible gibberish.
“Trump has been communicating in an impenetrable code entirely of his own creation,” a Chinese spy said. “These phone calls might as well be triple-encrypted.”
A Russian spy who has monitored Trump’s calls around the clock said that the only words that could be identified clearly were “I” and “me,” but that they were used so frequently that they became virtually meaningless.
Both the Russians and the Chinese have given their top cryptologists the task of decoding Trump’s utterances, but many of these experts have quit within days, complaining of burnout, headaches, and depression.
“Trying to decipher Trump’s calls has reduced some of our top codebreakers to tears,” one Russian spymaster said. “They all miss Obama.”
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Saudi Crown Prince Freaks Out After Giuliani Offers to Go on TV and Explain What Happened
BY ANDY BOROWITZ - THE NEW YORKER
OCTOBER 23, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, “totally freaked out” after Rudolph Giuliani offered to appear on television and explain “what really happened” inside the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Giuliani has confirmed.
Giuliani told reporters on Tuesday that he phoned the crown prince to make “an extremely attractive offer of my services.”
“I told him, ‘I can get this whole thing wrapped up in two weeks—three, tops,’ ” Giuliani said. “ ‘Just say the word and Rudy Giuliani can be your official TV spokesman.’ ”
“I would just get out there and clear up a lot of the questions people have,” he said. “Whose idea was the body double? Who paid for the bone saw? Let’s just tell everybody everything. I would do an amazing job of that.”
According to White House sources, the crown prince abruptly hung up on the former New York mayor and immediately called Donald J. Trump to demand that Giuliani be detained indefinitely in the White House basement.
Giuliani said that he was “saddened” that the Saudi royal reacted so negatively to his offer. “I haven’t been on TV in a while,” he said. “I really miss it.”
Giuliani told reporters on Tuesday that he phoned the crown prince to make “an extremely attractive offer of my services.”
“I told him, ‘I can get this whole thing wrapped up in two weeks—three, tops,’ ” Giuliani said. “ ‘Just say the word and Rudy Giuliani can be your official TV spokesman.’ ”
“I would just get out there and clear up a lot of the questions people have,” he said. “Whose idea was the body double? Who paid for the bone saw? Let’s just tell everybody everything. I would do an amazing job of that.”
According to White House sources, the crown prince abruptly hung up on the former New York mayor and immediately called Donald J. Trump to demand that Giuliani be detained indefinitely in the White House basement.
Giuliani said that he was “saddened” that the Saudi royal reacted so negatively to his offer. “I haven’t been on TV in a while,” he said. “I really miss it.”
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Nation’s Criminals Ask for F.B.I. Investigation Kavanaugh Just Got
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
October 5, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest controversy to envelop the Supreme Court nominee, criminals across the United States are demanding that their cases receive the kind of F.B.I. investigation that Brett Kavanaugh just got.
From coast to coast, perpetrators of crimes ranging from arson to bank robbery are arguing that, if the F.B.I. investigates them at all, such investigations should be extremely limited in scope.
Harland Dorrinson, a criminal lawyer in Cleveland, said that his clients have followed the Kavanaugh probe “with great interest” and see it as “tailor-made” for the crimes for which they stand accused.
“My clients are asking that the F.B.I. investigate them for no more than five days and only talk to the witnesses I designate,” Dorrinson said. “We think this could be a huge time saver for everybody.”
One of his clients, Denton Faldo, currently faces twenty criminal counts of cooking and selling meth, but wants the F.B.I. to investigate only an unrelated speeding violation.
“It’s important that the F.B.I. wrap up this investigation by Friday and release me from jail in time for the weekend,” Faldo said. “A man’s life is in tatters.”
From coast to coast, perpetrators of crimes ranging from arson to bank robbery are arguing that, if the F.B.I. investigates them at all, such investigations should be extremely limited in scope.
Harland Dorrinson, a criminal lawyer in Cleveland, said that his clients have followed the Kavanaugh probe “with great interest” and see it as “tailor-made” for the crimes for which they stand accused.
“My clients are asking that the F.B.I. investigate them for no more than five days and only talk to the witnesses I designate,” Dorrinson said. “We think this could be a huge time saver for everybody.”
One of his clients, Denton Faldo, currently faces twenty criminal counts of cooking and selling meth, but wants the F.B.I. to investigate only an unrelated speeding violation.
“It’s important that the F.B.I. wrap up this investigation by Friday and release me from jail in time for the weekend,” Faldo said. “A man’s life is in tatters.”
Obama Saddened That Kavanaugh Did Not Blame Him at Any Point
SEPTEMBER 28, 2018
BY ANDY BOROWITZ - THE NEW YORKER
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said Thursday evening that he was “saddened” and “hurt” that Brett Kavanaugh failed to blame him for his predicament at any point in his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing earlier in the day.
“As he was rattling off all of the people who had victimized him, I was sure I was going to make the list,” Obama said. “It was more than a little deflating that I didn’t.”
Obama said that as Kavanaugh listed such nemeses as the mainstream media, a vast left-wing conspiracy, and the Clintons, he was “on the edge of my chair expecting my name to come up."
“It was a tough thing to watch.”
Obama said that it was “a little comforting” to know that he was not the only person Kavanaugh neglected to blame in his remarks. “I just got off the phone with George Soros, and he is bummed as well,” Obama said.
“As he was rattling off all of the people who had victimized him, I was sure I was going to make the list,” Obama said. “It was more than a little deflating that I didn’t.”
Obama said that as Kavanaugh listed such nemeses as the mainstream media, a vast left-wing conspiracy, and the Clintons, he was “on the edge of my chair expecting my name to come up."
“It was a tough thing to watch.”
Obama said that it was “a little comforting” to know that he was not the only person Kavanaugh neglected to blame in his remarks. “I just got off the phone with George Soros, and he is bummed as well,” Obama said.
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Putin Reportedly Close to Firing Giuliani
By Andy Borowitz - new yorker
August 20, 2018
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin is reportedly “very close” to firing Rudolph Giuliani as Donald J. Trump’s attorney, a source close to the Russian President confirmed on Monday.
According to the source, Putin allowed Trump to hire Giuliani in the first place because “it’s important to let Trump think that he has some autonomy from time to time,” but now the Russian President has apparently determined that “enough is enough.”
Over the next few days, the source indicated, Putin is likely to replace Giuliani with a handpicked successor, Arkady Lubetkin, a criminal-defense attorney who has represented several prominent Russian Mob figures.
After hearing anecdotal reports of Giuliani’s appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday, Putin initially theorized that the nonsensical nature of Giuliani’s utterances had to be chalked up to “an error in translation,” the source said.
After reading an official transcript of Giuliani’s statements, however, the Russian President was apparently “flabbergasted.”
“Pravda is not pravda?” Putin reportedly said. “What is this bullshit?”
According to the source, Putin allowed Trump to hire Giuliani in the first place because “it’s important to let Trump think that he has some autonomy from time to time,” but now the Russian President has apparently determined that “enough is enough.”
Over the next few days, the source indicated, Putin is likely to replace Giuliani with a handpicked successor, Arkady Lubetkin, a criminal-defense attorney who has represented several prominent Russian Mob figures.
After hearing anecdotal reports of Giuliani’s appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday, Putin initially theorized that the nonsensical nature of Giuliani’s utterances had to be chalked up to “an error in translation,” the source said.
After reading an official transcript of Giuliani’s statements, however, the Russian President was apparently “flabbergasted.”
“Pravda is not pravda?” Putin reportedly said. “What is this bullshit?”
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Nation Wonders How Much More Fucking Evidence Mueller Needs Exactly
By the Burrard Street Journal
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
After over a year of accumulating what many assume to be the most damning evidence ever against a sitting U.S. President, Americans today collectively wondered “how much more fucking evidence Robert Mueller needs exactly?”
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
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Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
May 24, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
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humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
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FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
