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reality funnies
feb 28, 2020
SATIRE/HUMOR
Bloomberg: “I Paid Broads Like They Were As Good At Their Jobs As Men”
BY JAMES SCHLARMANN - THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
2/21/20
GOLD VALLEY, UTAH — Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg has been dumping millions of dollars of his own fortune into his campaign. The billionaire media mogul and former Mayor of New York City has spent on traditional political advertising, and has even begun offering people thousands of dollars a month to write positive posts about him on their personal social media accounts. However, all that money spent doesn’t seem to have gotten him much a leg up on the rest of the Democratic field, and his first primetime debate performance was lackluster, to put it kindly.
Bloomberg is clearly trying to appeal to voters looking for a more moderate candidate than either frontrunner Bernie Sanders of Vermont or Liz Warren of Massachusetts. Both of those senators seem to be duking it out for the party’s progressive wing. Sanders, in fact, is surging ahead of the pack in recent polling. Mr. Bloomberg wants to catch up, but his past political and business lives are giving his campaign fits. At the debate this week, Warren hammered Bloomberg for his record with women in particular. He’s been accused by a handful of women who have worked with him of sexual discrimination and harassment.
At a campaign stop in Utah this morning, Bloomberg tried to repair some of the damage Warren did to him, and addressed the subject of his treatment of women at companies he owns, head-on.
“So, a lot of folks have been really up my backside about how I treat the ladies at my firms,” Bloomberg told a patron of a local gas station where his campaign stopped to fuel up on their way to a rally, “and I think it’s a lot of silliness. Everyone who knows me knows that I respect the dames. I respect the living hell outta them, even the dumpy and frumpy looking ones. I even treat the lesbos good”
The man Bloomberg was talking to finished pumping his gas, got in his car and drove off, but not before Bloomberg could stuff a hundred dollar bill into the man’s pocket with a wink.
“Plenty more where that came from, bub,” Bloomberg said as the man got in his car, “and don’t forget to tell everyone who gave you that hundred bucks.”
At the rally, Bloomberg continued to try to make inroads with female voters.
“I just have to say something in my own defense, and I hope you’ll indulge me. To make sure you’ll indulge me, here’s fifty bucks, for each of you,” Bloomberg began, firing fifty dollar bills into the crowd of a few dozen people with an air cannon. “That should tide you over and help you pay attention to the words I’m using. Anyway, I am a good boss to the bitches. I really am. I didn’t discriminate just because they had titties. In fact, I barely even noticed their titties, whether they were big, small, whatever. And I very, very rarely commented on their cabooses.”
The crowd was too busy counting their money to take much notice of Bloomberg.
“But it goes beyond that. I treated them fairly in terms of pay, which is most important,” Bloomberg insisted. “I paid broads like they were as good at their jobs as men. Is that not something? Does that not prove how enlightened I am about the dames? Because I think it does, and just to make sure you do, too, here’s another hundred bucks, on me. No strings attached. Just, you know, tell everyone how great I am, or whatever. No big whoop.”
The air cannon started shooting hundred dollar bills into the air this time. A smiling Bloomberg watched as everyone scooped up a few hundred dollars for themselves. As the bills fell to the ground and were picked up, Bloomberg thanked his audience for their time, and wrapped the rally up.
“So, remember, Mikey Blomberg is a man of the people, and loves the ladies,” Bloomberg said. “God bless you all! God bless America! God bless my accountants! Bloomberg, out!”
Bloomberg is clearly trying to appeal to voters looking for a more moderate candidate than either frontrunner Bernie Sanders of Vermont or Liz Warren of Massachusetts. Both of those senators seem to be duking it out for the party’s progressive wing. Sanders, in fact, is surging ahead of the pack in recent polling. Mr. Bloomberg wants to catch up, but his past political and business lives are giving his campaign fits. At the debate this week, Warren hammered Bloomberg for his record with women in particular. He’s been accused by a handful of women who have worked with him of sexual discrimination and harassment.
At a campaign stop in Utah this morning, Bloomberg tried to repair some of the damage Warren did to him, and addressed the subject of his treatment of women at companies he owns, head-on.
“So, a lot of folks have been really up my backside about how I treat the ladies at my firms,” Bloomberg told a patron of a local gas station where his campaign stopped to fuel up on their way to a rally, “and I think it’s a lot of silliness. Everyone who knows me knows that I respect the dames. I respect the living hell outta them, even the dumpy and frumpy looking ones. I even treat the lesbos good”
The man Bloomberg was talking to finished pumping his gas, got in his car and drove off, but not before Bloomberg could stuff a hundred dollar bill into the man’s pocket with a wink.
“Plenty more where that came from, bub,” Bloomberg said as the man got in his car, “and don’t forget to tell everyone who gave you that hundred bucks.”
At the rally, Bloomberg continued to try to make inroads with female voters.
“I just have to say something in my own defense, and I hope you’ll indulge me. To make sure you’ll indulge me, here’s fifty bucks, for each of you,” Bloomberg began, firing fifty dollar bills into the crowd of a few dozen people with an air cannon. “That should tide you over and help you pay attention to the words I’m using. Anyway, I am a good boss to the bitches. I really am. I didn’t discriminate just because they had titties. In fact, I barely even noticed their titties, whether they were big, small, whatever. And I very, very rarely commented on their cabooses.”
The crowd was too busy counting their money to take much notice of Bloomberg.
“But it goes beyond that. I treated them fairly in terms of pay, which is most important,” Bloomberg insisted. “I paid broads like they were as good at their jobs as men. Is that not something? Does that not prove how enlightened I am about the dames? Because I think it does, and just to make sure you do, too, here’s another hundred bucks, on me. No strings attached. Just, you know, tell everyone how great I am, or whatever. No big whoop.”
The air cannon started shooting hundred dollar bills into the air this time. A smiling Bloomberg watched as everyone scooped up a few hundred dollars for themselves. As the bills fell to the ground and were picked up, Bloomberg thanked his audience for their time, and wrapped the rally up.
“So, remember, Mikey Blomberg is a man of the people, and loves the ladies,” Bloomberg said. “God bless you all! God bless America! God bless my accountants! Bloomberg, out!”
satire/humor
DNC: “We’re Not Taking Any Sides Except Against Candidates We Don’t Want You To Want”
by James Schlarmann - THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
2/15/20
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee released a statement today, perhaps in an attempt to head off criticism that it’s working to give former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (D-Cash) any advantage it can. It was announced early this morning that Bloomberg had qualified to appear onstage at the next Democratic debate, to be held in Las Vegas tomorrow night. The billionaire, who was a member of the Republican Party when he ran Manhattan as its mayor, reached 19% in a new poll conducted by NPR and Marist, meeting the DNC’s threshold to debate.
“We, the Democratic Party of the United States of America care. If you know nothing about us, by now you must know we care, but,” the DNC wrote, “we also listen. In 2016, we heard your complaints about propping up a vulnerable candidate, if not wholly qualified candidate. Albeit too late, but we listened. And that’s why this time around we gladly agreed to try a little small-D democracy, and not put our thumbs on the scale for any candidate, no matter how much safer they’d be to our wallets.”
In 2016, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders fought a long and hard primary campaign. There were sentiments among the more progressive wing of the party that the DNC was putting all its weight and backing behind Clinton, despite signs that Sanders was just as viable candidate. Clinton, however, did win three million more votes than Sanders in primary voting. The use of “superdelegates” was heavily criticized, and in the wake of a devastating loss to a reality-TV game show host and lifelong con artist, the Democratic Party agreed to greatly limit how much superdelegate influence would be felt on this year’s primary season.
“Please, allow us to assuage any fears you might have. Despite it looking to outside appearances like we’re doing everything in our power to help a billionaire position himself as our candidate,” the DNC explained, “we’re not taking any sides accept against candidates we don’t want you to want. It’s just that simple. If anyone knows which candidate you want, it’s us. Let’s face it. Let’s be honest with one another — we probably know better than you do who you want to vote for, and all we’re doing is making sure you get a chance to vote for the candidates we want you to want to vote for.”
The DNC says it’s “gravely concerned” that “voters will choose a candidate they want” and that the candidate they want “will not be able to defeat the least popular, least popularly elected president of all time.”
“Sure, we just flipped the House less than two years ago on an anti-Trump but also progressive platform,” the DNC’s letter admits, “and sure, if anyone can be beaten it’s the guy who says some Nazis aren’t so bad, and who puts brown babies in cages, but are we not a tent big enough for billionaires and, more importantly, their money? Should we not at least check in with our rich overlords to see if three’s someone else they’d prefer? It only seems fair to give billionaires a say! WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE POOR — NOT LITERALLY — BILLIONAIRES?!”
“We, the Democratic Party of the United States of America care. If you know nothing about us, by now you must know we care, but,” the DNC wrote, “we also listen. In 2016, we heard your complaints about propping up a vulnerable candidate, if not wholly qualified candidate. Albeit too late, but we listened. And that’s why this time around we gladly agreed to try a little small-D democracy, and not put our thumbs on the scale for any candidate, no matter how much safer they’d be to our wallets.”
In 2016, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders fought a long and hard primary campaign. There were sentiments among the more progressive wing of the party that the DNC was putting all its weight and backing behind Clinton, despite signs that Sanders was just as viable candidate. Clinton, however, did win three million more votes than Sanders in primary voting. The use of “superdelegates” was heavily criticized, and in the wake of a devastating loss to a reality-TV game show host and lifelong con artist, the Democratic Party agreed to greatly limit how much superdelegate influence would be felt on this year’s primary season.
“Please, allow us to assuage any fears you might have. Despite it looking to outside appearances like we’re doing everything in our power to help a billionaire position himself as our candidate,” the DNC explained, “we’re not taking any sides accept against candidates we don’t want you to want. It’s just that simple. If anyone knows which candidate you want, it’s us. Let’s face it. Let’s be honest with one another — we probably know better than you do who you want to vote for, and all we’re doing is making sure you get a chance to vote for the candidates we want you to want to vote for.”
The DNC says it’s “gravely concerned” that “voters will choose a candidate they want” and that the candidate they want “will not be able to defeat the least popular, least popularly elected president of all time.”
“Sure, we just flipped the House less than two years ago on an anti-Trump but also progressive platform,” the DNC’s letter admits, “and sure, if anyone can be beaten it’s the guy who says some Nazis aren’t so bad, and who puts brown babies in cages, but are we not a tent big enough for billionaires and, more importantly, their money? Should we not at least check in with our rich overlords to see if three’s someone else they’d prefer? It only seems fair to give billionaires a say! WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE POOR — NOT LITERALLY — BILLIONAIRES?!”
Humor/Satire
Illinois Nazis Re-Endorse Donald Trump For President
by James Schlarmann - THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
2/11/20
ELWOOD, ILLINOIS — The Illinois chapter of the Nazi Party announced this week that they are officially endorsing President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign, according to the chapter’s president, Grant Ryan.
“We just fell in love with Donald the minute he recognized we have very fine people on our side too,” Grant Ryan told reporters at a press conference outside the Illinois Nazi Party’s headquarters, adding, “Talk about having balls! We Nazis just fucking love balls! People don’t realize that about Nazis, but it’s totally true. We all just love a nice, big, glistening pair of balls!”
Ryan has been the president of the Illinois chapter of Nazis since 2006, when he took over for his father in the same position. Ryan told the press that his organization “will gladly endorse any candidate who has the big, beautiful, chewing-gum-like testicles it takes to defend white nationalism.”
This is the second time the INP has endorsed Trump. The party also endorsed him in 2016.
Back then, Ryan told reporters that initially the INP wasn’t sure who to endorse, because according to him while a lot of the candidates were “saying things against immigrants” that could be construed in a racist tone, no one was “taking the racist horse by the racist reins” until Trump’s emergence on the political stage. In Ryan’s estimation, Trump was probably picking up on a “vibe in the air” over the border crisis, and could tell that “good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing, minority-hating Americans don’t want to just open the door for immigrants” even though he conceded he has “never heard of a refugee attacking America” from within the country.
“Oh sure, the liberal, Jew loving, Muslim apologist, black crime ignoring media will tell you that these so-called widows and orphans are vetted thoroughly,” Ryan said, “and they’ll tell you that no refugee has ever committed a terrorist attack on our soil. But we’re not talking about reality here; we’re talking about paranoid, willfully ignorant delusions fueled by a toxic cocktail of our own religious fundamentalism and both subtle and overt racist political rhetoric.”
Ryan said that over the course of the first term of his presidency, he and his fellow Nazis have been “bigly impressed” with Trump’s continual usage of racist tropes. He noticed, for instance, that Trump is quite mean when referring to “the Squad,” a group of freshman Democratic congresswomen who are all of color. Ryan also admired that Trump was unafraid to use the term “shit hole countries” to refer impoverished nations with many brown-skinned people living in them.
“In the end, as American Nazis we knew our choices in candidates were kind of slim,” Ryan said, “so you can imagine how excited we were when Trump kept right on being extremely racist during his first term. It made us realize he was willing to literally say and do anything for attention and a bump in the polls. We Illinois Nazis just love that, and we’ll be holding a rally in the park this weekend in honor of Mr. Trump.
“We just fell in love with Donald the minute he recognized we have very fine people on our side too,” Grant Ryan told reporters at a press conference outside the Illinois Nazi Party’s headquarters, adding, “Talk about having balls! We Nazis just fucking love balls! People don’t realize that about Nazis, but it’s totally true. We all just love a nice, big, glistening pair of balls!”
Ryan has been the president of the Illinois chapter of Nazis since 2006, when he took over for his father in the same position. Ryan told the press that his organization “will gladly endorse any candidate who has the big, beautiful, chewing-gum-like testicles it takes to defend white nationalism.”
This is the second time the INP has endorsed Trump. The party also endorsed him in 2016.
Back then, Ryan told reporters that initially the INP wasn’t sure who to endorse, because according to him while a lot of the candidates were “saying things against immigrants” that could be construed in a racist tone, no one was “taking the racist horse by the racist reins” until Trump’s emergence on the political stage. In Ryan’s estimation, Trump was probably picking up on a “vibe in the air” over the border crisis, and could tell that “good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing, minority-hating Americans don’t want to just open the door for immigrants” even though he conceded he has “never heard of a refugee attacking America” from within the country.
“Oh sure, the liberal, Jew loving, Muslim apologist, black crime ignoring media will tell you that these so-called widows and orphans are vetted thoroughly,” Ryan said, “and they’ll tell you that no refugee has ever committed a terrorist attack on our soil. But we’re not talking about reality here; we’re talking about paranoid, willfully ignorant delusions fueled by a toxic cocktail of our own religious fundamentalism and both subtle and overt racist political rhetoric.”
Ryan said that over the course of the first term of his presidency, he and his fellow Nazis have been “bigly impressed” with Trump’s continual usage of racist tropes. He noticed, for instance, that Trump is quite mean when referring to “the Squad,” a group of freshman Democratic congresswomen who are all of color. Ryan also admired that Trump was unafraid to use the term “shit hole countries” to refer impoverished nations with many brown-skinned people living in them.
“In the end, as American Nazis we knew our choices in candidates were kind of slim,” Ryan said, “so you can imagine how excited we were when Trump kept right on being extremely racist during his first term. It made us realize he was willing to literally say and do anything for attention and a bump in the polls. We Illinois Nazis just love that, and we’ll be holding a rally in the park this weekend in honor of Mr. Trump.
Dedicated to the stupid motherfuckers who believe both parties are the same
Nation Wonders How Much More Fucking Evidence Mueller Needs Exactly
By the Burrard Street Journal
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
After over a year of accumulating what many assume to be the most damning evidence ever against a sitting U.S. President, Americans today collectively wondered “how much more fucking evidence Robert Mueller needs exactly?”
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
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Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
May 24, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
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humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
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FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
