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dec 5, 2019
Diplomacy Is A Four-Letter Word
Report: Nikki Haley Lives In Opposite Land Where Trump Tells The Truth And She’s Smart
by James Schlarmann - THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
11/24/19
MENTEUR SAC DE MERDER, SOUTH CAROLINA — Sources close to situation have informed various news outlets throughout the country that a former Governor of South Carolina may have never actually lived in the state she was supposed to be representing.
Former Gov. Nikki Haley left the South Carolinian governor’s office in 2017 to become President Donald Trump’s Ambassador to the United Nations. At the time she was selected, there were many wondering how she got herself on the shortlist of candidates to fill that role, given that she’d never served in any kind of international, diplomatic position before. Whatever his reasons were at the time, President Trump appointed Haley as his ambassador to the United Nations, and she served in that position up until the end of last year.
Ambassador Haley is currently touring the country, doing media appearances and promoting her new book, “With All Due Respect.” As is to be expected, because her book tour happens to be taking place while her former boss is embroiled in an impeachment investigation run by House Democrats, she has been fielding questions all along the way about him, his fitness for office, and his general honesty (or lack thereof). Haley has raised quite a few eyebrows already with her answers.
Curiously, Haley has insisted that Trump is a truthful person, despite having told literally thousands of well-documented lies since taking office. Whether or not his fitness for office is a subjective question, and certainly there are arguments to be made for that being the case, it seemed odd to many people on both sides of the aisle that Haley would be so forceful in her defense of Trump’s truthfulness, given the sheer volume of mendacity he’s belched forth into the ether via his Twitter account and while shouting at reporters on the White House lawn.
Now comes word from people with firsthand knowledge that Haley may have been acting as South Carolina’s governor, and Trump’s U.N. ambassador, without living in the Palmetto State.
“It has come to our attention that Ms. Haley does not now, and likely never has resided in South Carolina, or on Earth for that matter,” Cheryl Hopskillia, a private detective working cases in South Carolina told reporters today. “We cannot speak to whether she broke any laws by serving as governor when she didn’t live here, nor when she was U.N. ambassador. However, we felt compelled to publish the findings of our investigation anyway.”
Hopskillia said she has uncovered evidence that Haley has been living in a place called Opposite Land. In opposite land, Hopskillia says, “up is down, down is up, and a D-list reality TV hosts and lifelong conmen are truth telling stable geniuses.” The fact that Haley considers herself smart, Hopskillia says, is more evidence that she does not “live anything close to resembling the real world.”
“Nikki Haley may be a nice woman, though something tells me working for a racist sack of shit that gleefully kidnaps kids from their parents and stuffs them all into cages in concentration camps isn’t really all that nice,” Hopskillia explained. “What she is definitely not, however, is smart. She’s as dull as a melted crayon. She’s smart like Tomi Lahren is an insightful intellectual. She’s intelligent like Rush Limbaugh is a world class athlete. Get my drift?”
As her final piece of evidence, Hopskillia presented Haley’s beliefs that Donald Trump tells the truth.
“I mean, the dude has told literally thousands of lies in office. Lies that are easily verified as such,” Hopskillia divulged. “If that isn’t proof positive that Nikki lives in Opposite Land, I have no idea what it will take to convince you.”
Former Gov. Nikki Haley left the South Carolinian governor’s office in 2017 to become President Donald Trump’s Ambassador to the United Nations. At the time she was selected, there were many wondering how she got herself on the shortlist of candidates to fill that role, given that she’d never served in any kind of international, diplomatic position before. Whatever his reasons were at the time, President Trump appointed Haley as his ambassador to the United Nations, and she served in that position up until the end of last year.
Ambassador Haley is currently touring the country, doing media appearances and promoting her new book, “With All Due Respect.” As is to be expected, because her book tour happens to be taking place while her former boss is embroiled in an impeachment investigation run by House Democrats, she has been fielding questions all along the way about him, his fitness for office, and his general honesty (or lack thereof). Haley has raised quite a few eyebrows already with her answers.
Curiously, Haley has insisted that Trump is a truthful person, despite having told literally thousands of well-documented lies since taking office. Whether or not his fitness for office is a subjective question, and certainly there are arguments to be made for that being the case, it seemed odd to many people on both sides of the aisle that Haley would be so forceful in her defense of Trump’s truthfulness, given the sheer volume of mendacity he’s belched forth into the ether via his Twitter account and while shouting at reporters on the White House lawn.
Now comes word from people with firsthand knowledge that Haley may have been acting as South Carolina’s governor, and Trump’s U.N. ambassador, without living in the Palmetto State.
“It has come to our attention that Ms. Haley does not now, and likely never has resided in South Carolina, or on Earth for that matter,” Cheryl Hopskillia, a private detective working cases in South Carolina told reporters today. “We cannot speak to whether she broke any laws by serving as governor when she didn’t live here, nor when she was U.N. ambassador. However, we felt compelled to publish the findings of our investigation anyway.”
Hopskillia said she has uncovered evidence that Haley has been living in a place called Opposite Land. In opposite land, Hopskillia says, “up is down, down is up, and a D-list reality TV hosts and lifelong conmen are truth telling stable geniuses.” The fact that Haley considers herself smart, Hopskillia says, is more evidence that she does not “live anything close to resembling the real world.”
“Nikki Haley may be a nice woman, though something tells me working for a racist sack of shit that gleefully kidnaps kids from their parents and stuffs them all into cages in concentration camps isn’t really all that nice,” Hopskillia explained. “What she is definitely not, however, is smart. She’s as dull as a melted crayon. She’s smart like Tomi Lahren is an insightful intellectual. She’s intelligent like Rush Limbaugh is a world class athlete. Get my drift?”
As her final piece of evidence, Hopskillia presented Haley’s beliefs that Donald Trump tells the truth.
“I mean, the dude has told literally thousands of lies in office. Lies that are easily verified as such,” Hopskillia divulged. “If that isn’t proof positive that Nikki lives in Opposite Land, I have no idea what it will take to convince you.”
Report: Yovanovich’s Are Way Bigger Than Trump’s
by James Schlarmann - THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
11/15/19
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute For Reporting Stuff and Things has issued a new report that estimates Ambassador Marie Yovanovich has “way, way, way, way bigger ones” than President Donald Trump.
“Given that Ambassador Yovanovich has literally dodged bullets in service to this country and all Trump’s dodged is the draft and all he’s served is himself at the buffet,” Dr. Denise Dennis of the NIFRST told reporters at a press conference this morning, “this was almost one of those reports we didn’t even do. It just seemed so obvious after about four minutes of her testimony that the ambassador has a pair the size of Montana, and that Trump can’t even spell Montana.”
Dr. Dennis said, however, that her institution has a “duty to study and report” and so, despite what she said was a “pretty obvious conclusion from the start,” she and her team did a quick bit of research.
“Literally in the middle of her testimony, the most powerful so-called man in the free world — a man who commands an actual nuclear arsenal — tried to intimidate her,” Dr. Dennis explained further, “and not just to his 68 million Twitter followers, to the entire world. It had no impact on Ms. Yovanovitch. In fact, the tweet itself was more proof of how scared shitless that man is, and it’s a byproduct of his having smaller ones.”
Often times, Dennis and her staff have to use complex algorithms and advanced measuring tools to conduct their studies and issue their reports. In this case, however, Dr. Dennis says none of that was necessary. Instead, she said “all anyone has to do to figure whose are bigger” is watch the testimony Ambassador Yovanovitch gave.
“Every step of the way, Republicans and their counsel tried to trip her up, or even victim shame her, or downplay what the president put her through,” Dennis said. “Throughout the day, the ambassador calmly answered questions, and even found polite ways to shut down their attempts to make right-wing fever dream conspiracy theories turn into facts. Even though she knew that a posse of malcontent, gun toting, red meat eating MAGA-heads would be forever pissed off at her, she pushed on.”
The contrasting career choices of Yovanovitch and Trump also helped inform the report performed by Dennis and her staff, she told reporters.
“You have one woman who, time after time, has shown a willingness to confront corruption dead-on and shine a light on it on one hand,” Dennis said, “and on the other hand you have a totally and obviously corrupt old man who has spent the majority of his presidency kissing the ass of every corrupt authoritarian dictator he can, so that he can keep doing business in their countries when he leaves office. Again, we didn’t really think we needed to do the study, but we did for the sake of our reputations.
In the end, Dr. Dennis says one very striking moment helped her team “put a bow” on their report — the gallery audience in the hearing room erupting in applause and cheers as the ambassador got up from her seat to leave.
“That applause and the cheering was what finalized our report, and really helped us put a bow on the whole thing,” Dennis confirmed. “People really admire someone with guts, courage, and huge ones. They usually honor such massive you-know-whats when they see it. That’s what Yovanovitch’s ovation was for us — the audience recognizing just how much bigger hers are than Trump’s.”
Ranking member Rep. Devin Nunes and star Republican attack dog Gym Jordan released a statement about the findings of the report.
“We find it highly suspicious that anyone could study the president’s ones very well, considering we never leave that area, and continue to fluff and gargle them publicly,” the statement reads. “We’re going to be asking Adam Schiff to let us depose Dr. Dennis immediately, and we will not rest until we figure out who has besmirched our dear president so viciously. They’re not that small, really. We barely need a magnifying glass to find them.”
“Given that Ambassador Yovanovich has literally dodged bullets in service to this country and all Trump’s dodged is the draft and all he’s served is himself at the buffet,” Dr. Denise Dennis of the NIFRST told reporters at a press conference this morning, “this was almost one of those reports we didn’t even do. It just seemed so obvious after about four minutes of her testimony that the ambassador has a pair the size of Montana, and that Trump can’t even spell Montana.”
Dr. Dennis said, however, that her institution has a “duty to study and report” and so, despite what she said was a “pretty obvious conclusion from the start,” she and her team did a quick bit of research.
“Literally in the middle of her testimony, the most powerful so-called man in the free world — a man who commands an actual nuclear arsenal — tried to intimidate her,” Dr. Dennis explained further, “and not just to his 68 million Twitter followers, to the entire world. It had no impact on Ms. Yovanovitch. In fact, the tweet itself was more proof of how scared shitless that man is, and it’s a byproduct of his having smaller ones.”
Often times, Dennis and her staff have to use complex algorithms and advanced measuring tools to conduct their studies and issue their reports. In this case, however, Dr. Dennis says none of that was necessary. Instead, she said “all anyone has to do to figure whose are bigger” is watch the testimony Ambassador Yovanovitch gave.
“Every step of the way, Republicans and their counsel tried to trip her up, or even victim shame her, or downplay what the president put her through,” Dennis said. “Throughout the day, the ambassador calmly answered questions, and even found polite ways to shut down their attempts to make right-wing fever dream conspiracy theories turn into facts. Even though she knew that a posse of malcontent, gun toting, red meat eating MAGA-heads would be forever pissed off at her, she pushed on.”
The contrasting career choices of Yovanovitch and Trump also helped inform the report performed by Dennis and her staff, she told reporters.
“You have one woman who, time after time, has shown a willingness to confront corruption dead-on and shine a light on it on one hand,” Dennis said, “and on the other hand you have a totally and obviously corrupt old man who has spent the majority of his presidency kissing the ass of every corrupt authoritarian dictator he can, so that he can keep doing business in their countries when he leaves office. Again, we didn’t really think we needed to do the study, but we did for the sake of our reputations.
In the end, Dr. Dennis says one very striking moment helped her team “put a bow” on their report — the gallery audience in the hearing room erupting in applause and cheers as the ambassador got up from her seat to leave.
“That applause and the cheering was what finalized our report, and really helped us put a bow on the whole thing,” Dennis confirmed. “People really admire someone with guts, courage, and huge ones. They usually honor such massive you-know-whats when they see it. That’s what Yovanovitch’s ovation was for us — the audience recognizing just how much bigger hers are than Trump’s.”
Ranking member Rep. Devin Nunes and star Republican attack dog Gym Jordan released a statement about the findings of the report.
“We find it highly suspicious that anyone could study the president’s ones very well, considering we never leave that area, and continue to fluff and gargle them publicly,” the statement reads. “We’re going to be asking Adam Schiff to let us depose Dr. Dennis immediately, and we will not rest until we figure out who has besmirched our dear president so viciously. They’re not that small, really. We barely need a magnifying glass to find them.”
POLL: Literally Fucking Nobody Wants This Douchebag To Run For President Right Now
by James Schlarmann - THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
11/8/19
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This week, several outlets reported that former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is planning to file paperwork necessary for him to enter the 2020 presidential race.
Bloomberg would be vying for the Democratic nomination in a field that’s large and has already seen several high-profile candidates drop out. Mr. Bloomberg, a billionaire progressive who has become one of the loudest and most active voices in the push for gun reform, heard his name bandied about before the primary season got fully underway, but never polled above single digits. It’s unclear why Bloomberg waited this long, or why he believes now is the right time to enter the race, but a snap poll conducted overnight shows that he may want to reconsider this decision.
We Poll You So Hard, one of the nation’s most trusted public polling companies, ran a survey of 1500 Americans last night. They called landlines and cell lines, and according to WPYSH, they made sure they got a wide range of ages in their respondents by saying “Okay, Boomer,” to whoever answered and marking down their response. The angrier the response, the older they knew the person taking the survey would be.
According to the survey, “literally fucking nobody” wanted to vote for Michael Bloomberg for president. We Poll You So Hard’s chief resident pollster told reporters the results were “fascinating” and unlike a lot of opinion polls didn’t leave much room for debate on what it means.
“Nobody, literally fucking nobody, wants Michael Bloomberg to be president,” Cheryl Terwilliger Jones told reporters this morning. “Fewer people want Bloomberg to run for president than want to have a light case of diarrhea every day for the rest of their lives. More people would in fact choose to have an unwashed dildo shoved up their butt holes than to see Bloomberg run.”
Ms. Terwilliger Jones also said the responses to other questions were “quite telling.”
“A ton of people said they’d rather see Bloomberg spend some of his fifty billion dollars putting it behind a candidate they do actually like and that polls way, way higher than he ever will,” Terwilliger Jones said. “And even more people said he should stay out of politics and just pay off people’s medical or student loan debt if he’s really hell bent on doing something good for people and also stroking his ego. A lot of people pointed out he’d be a much bigger to hero to a lot more people that way.”
In an unforeseen twist, apparently Bloomberg himself doesn’t want Bloomberg to run.
“This almost never happens,” Terwillinger Jones said, “but somehow Bloomberg himself got called to do the survey, and even he thought Michael Bloomberg shouldn’t run.”
Mr. Bloomberg shouldn’t feel too badly though, Terwilliger Jones said. He’s “certainly not the only billionaire douchebag” that Americans generally don’t want going anywhere near the Oval Office. According to Ms. Terwilliger Jones, a “substantial majority of rich, entitled, old white guys” don’t do too well in polling either.
“It’s probably not much consolation to him,” Terwilliger Jones explained, “but people are just as sketchy about Charles Koch running things. And he doesn’t fair any worse than Sheldon Adelson or Montgomery Burns from The Simpsons. So he’s in okay-ish company, if you ask me.”
Though not a billionaire, Terwilliger Jones says that a close analog to Bloomberg’s potential presidential bid is that of former Republican nominee and current Senator Mitt Romney of Utah.
“Bloomberg might not have binders of women, but he clearly has a head full of ego,” Terwilliger Jones said, “and most people find him just as genuine and connected to the common citizenry as Romney was. Not that it brings Mr. Bloomberg much comfort knowing this.”
In case one might wonder, the loathing of Bloomberg’s candidacy is bipartisan.
“Democrats don’t want him to run. Republicans don’t care if he does, but won’t vote for him anyway,” Terwilliger Jones reported. “It’s universal. He’s 100% not the guy people want. And in this country, getting everyone to agree that they should brush their teeth after every meal is a chore. So you can imagine how rare a politically charged issue gets this kind of unanimous sentiment associated with it.”
Bloomberg would be vying for the Democratic nomination in a field that’s large and has already seen several high-profile candidates drop out. Mr. Bloomberg, a billionaire progressive who has become one of the loudest and most active voices in the push for gun reform, heard his name bandied about before the primary season got fully underway, but never polled above single digits. It’s unclear why Bloomberg waited this long, or why he believes now is the right time to enter the race, but a snap poll conducted overnight shows that he may want to reconsider this decision.
We Poll You So Hard, one of the nation’s most trusted public polling companies, ran a survey of 1500 Americans last night. They called landlines and cell lines, and according to WPYSH, they made sure they got a wide range of ages in their respondents by saying “Okay, Boomer,” to whoever answered and marking down their response. The angrier the response, the older they knew the person taking the survey would be.
According to the survey, “literally fucking nobody” wanted to vote for Michael Bloomberg for president. We Poll You So Hard’s chief resident pollster told reporters the results were “fascinating” and unlike a lot of opinion polls didn’t leave much room for debate on what it means.
“Nobody, literally fucking nobody, wants Michael Bloomberg to be president,” Cheryl Terwilliger Jones told reporters this morning. “Fewer people want Bloomberg to run for president than want to have a light case of diarrhea every day for the rest of their lives. More people would in fact choose to have an unwashed dildo shoved up their butt holes than to see Bloomberg run.”
Ms. Terwilliger Jones also said the responses to other questions were “quite telling.”
“A ton of people said they’d rather see Bloomberg spend some of his fifty billion dollars putting it behind a candidate they do actually like and that polls way, way higher than he ever will,” Terwilliger Jones said. “And even more people said he should stay out of politics and just pay off people’s medical or student loan debt if he’s really hell bent on doing something good for people and also stroking his ego. A lot of people pointed out he’d be a much bigger to hero to a lot more people that way.”
In an unforeseen twist, apparently Bloomberg himself doesn’t want Bloomberg to run.
“This almost never happens,” Terwillinger Jones said, “but somehow Bloomberg himself got called to do the survey, and even he thought Michael Bloomberg shouldn’t run.”
Mr. Bloomberg shouldn’t feel too badly though, Terwilliger Jones said. He’s “certainly not the only billionaire douchebag” that Americans generally don’t want going anywhere near the Oval Office. According to Ms. Terwilliger Jones, a “substantial majority of rich, entitled, old white guys” don’t do too well in polling either.
“It’s probably not much consolation to him,” Terwilliger Jones explained, “but people are just as sketchy about Charles Koch running things. And he doesn’t fair any worse than Sheldon Adelson or Montgomery Burns from The Simpsons. So he’s in okay-ish company, if you ask me.”
Though not a billionaire, Terwilliger Jones says that a close analog to Bloomberg’s potential presidential bid is that of former Republican nominee and current Senator Mitt Romney of Utah.
“Bloomberg might not have binders of women, but he clearly has a head full of ego,” Terwilliger Jones said, “and most people find him just as genuine and connected to the common citizenry as Romney was. Not that it brings Mr. Bloomberg much comfort knowing this.”
In case one might wonder, the loathing of Bloomberg’s candidacy is bipartisan.
“Democrats don’t want him to run. Republicans don’t care if he does, but won’t vote for him anyway,” Terwilliger Jones reported. “It’s universal. He’s 100% not the guy people want. And in this country, getting everyone to agree that they should brush their teeth after every meal is a chore. So you can imagine how rare a politically charged issue gets this kind of unanimous sentiment associated with it.”
Did Epstein Run Black Market Pizza Joints Using A Pedophile Ring As Cover To Sell Uranium To Russians To Cover Up Benghazi?
BY JAMES SCHLARMANN - THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
nov 6, 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Undoubtedly, the arrest of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein on multiple charges of sex trafficking minors stands to be the biggest story of the year. Perhaps, because of Mr. Epstein’s numerous ties to the wealthy and powerful — both sides of the aisle have a president who can claim a personal connection to him, for instance — his case had all the potential to end up being like that of former NFL superstar and luckiest man alive OJ Simpson and be dubbed “the trial of the century.”
Epstein’s trial, of course, won’t happen after all though, because he’s now the opposite of alive. Over the past several days, memes with the caption, “Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself” have been making the rounds and going viral, after a pathologist said he signs consistent with homicide on Epstein’s body. But there are starting to be whispers on the Hill, whispers that started in conservative circles online, that there is a much larger web of conspiracies that Epstein’s case was caught up in, and that web happens to be related to two more web-like conspiracies — Uranium One and Benghazi.
According to several unnamed sources, conspiracy theorist(s) QAnon posted on 8chan’s message boards that Epstein’s crimes not only involved trafficking minors for sex, but that the pedophile ring was actually a cover operation for an even bigger criminal enterprise that was set up specifically to help Hillary Clinton sell uranium to the Russian government so they would help her cover up the true events of the deadly terror attack on a consular building in Benghazi, Libya.
“The truth is that the pedophile ring was just used to finance pizza restaurants where Hillary meet with Russian oligarchs and sell them America’s uranium stockpiles,” Q posted, “and then they’d use THAT money to bribe other Russians to cover up Benghazi. It’s so simple once you work it all out in your head, huh?”
There are already prominent Republicans talking about the new rumors.
“I’m not sure if what Q is saying is true or not, but if it is, I think we have a duty to put Hillary Clinton on trial,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told Fox News this morning about the explosive new allegations. “We Republicans of course always knew that given enough time this heinous cabal of gangsters would be exposed and the truth we all felt deep down but could never prove with evidence would come out. And now, here we are, face to face with some pretty damning charges, if they’re true, which they might not be, but we should certainly treat them like they are.”
Former Congressman and current Krispy Kreme donut glazer Trey Gowdy told a conservative AM talk radio host this week that if the rumors about Epstein, Benghazi, Uranium One, and Hillary are true had circulated when he was in charge of oversight investigations, he’d have had “the biggest partisan boner of [his] ultimately worthless congressional career.”
“It all makes total sense to me now,” Gowdy told W-KKK’s Wyatt Whitely. “Of course Hillary was involved in the whole thing. She’s been involved in literally every crime committed since she was born!”
Jethro Bohiggins, a right-wing podcaster and country music singer/songwriter, told his audience today that he believes the 8chan rumors more than he “can believe anything that comes out of any Democrat’s mouth.”
“Think about it fam! When have you ever known KILLARY CLIT-STONED to not be a hardcore, demon worshiping, baby aborting she beast assassin,” Bohiggins asked rhetorically.
Followers of Mike Thernovich’s Twitter feed saw him tweet out his belief in the rumors as well.
“Totally credible, given everything we’ve ever prethumed we knew about Hillary,” Thernovich tweeted. “We thould definitely keep our eyeth open on thith one, guyth.”
For his part, President Trump told reporters today he is “absolutely convinced” the rumors are true.
“My son, the dumb one, well, the brunette dumb one, the one I gave my name, which was a huge mistake by the way,” Trump rambled, “told me that he personally checked with the Russian troll who started the rumor, and he told him it was totally true. Which is weird of course because I just told you it was a rumor, but hey, no one ever reads these articles anyway, so you’ve made it this far, congrats! You’ve gotten to the point where the lazy author is willing to break the fourth wall just to have something interesting to end his story with. The story, you understand, that you’re probably not reading.”
Epstein’s trial, of course, won’t happen after all though, because he’s now the opposite of alive. Over the past several days, memes with the caption, “Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself” have been making the rounds and going viral, after a pathologist said he signs consistent with homicide on Epstein’s body. But there are starting to be whispers on the Hill, whispers that started in conservative circles online, that there is a much larger web of conspiracies that Epstein’s case was caught up in, and that web happens to be related to two more web-like conspiracies — Uranium One and Benghazi.
According to several unnamed sources, conspiracy theorist(s) QAnon posted on 8chan’s message boards that Epstein’s crimes not only involved trafficking minors for sex, but that the pedophile ring was actually a cover operation for an even bigger criminal enterprise that was set up specifically to help Hillary Clinton sell uranium to the Russian government so they would help her cover up the true events of the deadly terror attack on a consular building in Benghazi, Libya.
“The truth is that the pedophile ring was just used to finance pizza restaurants where Hillary meet with Russian oligarchs and sell them America’s uranium stockpiles,” Q posted, “and then they’d use THAT money to bribe other Russians to cover up Benghazi. It’s so simple once you work it all out in your head, huh?”
There are already prominent Republicans talking about the new rumors.
“I’m not sure if what Q is saying is true or not, but if it is, I think we have a duty to put Hillary Clinton on trial,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told Fox News this morning about the explosive new allegations. “We Republicans of course always knew that given enough time this heinous cabal of gangsters would be exposed and the truth we all felt deep down but could never prove with evidence would come out. And now, here we are, face to face with some pretty damning charges, if they’re true, which they might not be, but we should certainly treat them like they are.”
Former Congressman and current Krispy Kreme donut glazer Trey Gowdy told a conservative AM talk radio host this week that if the rumors about Epstein, Benghazi, Uranium One, and Hillary are true had circulated when he was in charge of oversight investigations, he’d have had “the biggest partisan boner of [his] ultimately worthless congressional career.”
“It all makes total sense to me now,” Gowdy told W-KKK’s Wyatt Whitely. “Of course Hillary was involved in the whole thing. She’s been involved in literally every crime committed since she was born!”
Jethro Bohiggins, a right-wing podcaster and country music singer/songwriter, told his audience today that he believes the 8chan rumors more than he “can believe anything that comes out of any Democrat’s mouth.”
“Think about it fam! When have you ever known KILLARY CLIT-STONED to not be a hardcore, demon worshiping, baby aborting she beast assassin,” Bohiggins asked rhetorically.
Followers of Mike Thernovich’s Twitter feed saw him tweet out his belief in the rumors as well.
“Totally credible, given everything we’ve ever prethumed we knew about Hillary,” Thernovich tweeted. “We thould definitely keep our eyeth open on thith one, guyth.”
For his part, President Trump told reporters today he is “absolutely convinced” the rumors are true.
“My son, the dumb one, well, the brunette dumb one, the one I gave my name, which was a huge mistake by the way,” Trump rambled, “told me that he personally checked with the Russian troll who started the rumor, and he told him it was totally true. Which is weird of course because I just told you it was a rumor, but hey, no one ever reads these articles anyway, so you’ve made it this far, congrats! You’ve gotten to the point where the lazy author is willing to break the fourth wall just to have something interesting to end his story with. The story, you understand, that you’re probably not reading.”
Audio Leaks Of Richard Spencer Dictating Speech For President Trump
by James SCHLIEMANN - THE POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
November 5, 2019
KNOTSY WOODS, VIRGINIA — Leaked audio has emerged of devout white nationalist Richard Spencer, seemingly in the middle of a racist and anti semitic tirade.
The tapes were leaked as part of the ongoing fallout stemming from Spencer’s public divorce with Milo Yiannopoulos, a right-wing troll and alleged writer, who used to work for Breitbart and was one of Trump’s earliest champions of the alt-right. Spencer was actually the one who coined the term “alternative right” to refer to his brand of white supremacy. Their romance blossomed over a mutual love and adoration for a certain, tiny-handed, D-list reality TV star who would later become president.
However, Spencer and Mr. Yiannopoulos mutual love of President Trump wasn’t enough to keep in-fighting and jealousy at bat. Yiannopoulos leaked the audio of Spencer’s rant. It’s unclear what the state of their relationship is at this point.
The existence of such tapes is perhaps not as surprising as the context of the rant. Many believed that the audio clips were simply Spencer, who was famously punched square in the mouth by anti-Trump protesters just days after another leak — this time video of him doing Nazi-inspired salutes of President Trump — can be heard using epithets for Jewish people, homosexuals, and other groups and classes of citizens. While some believed this was just a garden variety racist rant, the kind of which Spencer could be presumed to be either on or working on at any given time of day, Mr. Spencer confirmed this morning that he was actually busy doing something for the president in the newly emerged audio clips.
“I was dictating Herr Trump’s next State of the Union speech,” Spencer told W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly this morning. “It’s easier for me to dictate than to type, you see, because I tend to rant with my hands. It’s a performance technique I picked up watching the OG Mein Fuhrer, Hitler himself. So when I write speeches for Trump, I turn on the voice to text feature on my phone and scream into it.”
Spencer’s revelation may be why the White House pushed President Trump out onto the lawn for another impromptu press conference in the driveway. Though the official cover story was that Trump was awaiting a helicopter right to get some frozen yogurt and adult magazines, many wondered if the president hadn’t come out specifically and only to squash any rumors that Mr. Spencer had been hired by the administration as a speechwriter.
The tapes were leaked as part of the ongoing fallout stemming from Spencer’s public divorce with Milo Yiannopoulos, a right-wing troll and alleged writer, who used to work for Breitbart and was one of Trump’s earliest champions of the alt-right. Spencer was actually the one who coined the term “alternative right” to refer to his brand of white supremacy. Their romance blossomed over a mutual love and adoration for a certain, tiny-handed, D-list reality TV star who would later become president.
However, Spencer and Mr. Yiannopoulos mutual love of President Trump wasn’t enough to keep in-fighting and jealousy at bat. Yiannopoulos leaked the audio of Spencer’s rant. It’s unclear what the state of their relationship is at this point.
The existence of such tapes is perhaps not as surprising as the context of the rant. Many believed that the audio clips were simply Spencer, who was famously punched square in the mouth by anti-Trump protesters just days after another leak — this time video of him doing Nazi-inspired salutes of President Trump — can be heard using epithets for Jewish people, homosexuals, and other groups and classes of citizens. While some believed this was just a garden variety racist rant, the kind of which Spencer could be presumed to be either on or working on at any given time of day, Mr. Spencer confirmed this morning that he was actually busy doing something for the president in the newly emerged audio clips.
“I was dictating Herr Trump’s next State of the Union speech,” Spencer told W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly this morning. “It’s easier for me to dictate than to type, you see, because I tend to rant with my hands. It’s a performance technique I picked up watching the OG Mein Fuhrer, Hitler himself. So when I write speeches for Trump, I turn on the voice to text feature on my phone and scream into it.”
Spencer’s revelation may be why the White House pushed President Trump out onto the lawn for another impromptu press conference in the driveway. Though the official cover story was that Trump was awaiting a helicopter right to get some frozen yogurt and adult magazines, many wondered if the president hadn’t come out specifically and only to squash any rumors that Mr. Spencer had been hired by the administration as a speechwriter.
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New York Offers to Rename Public Toilet After Trump
PUBLISHED BY James Schlarmann - Alternative Facts
8/19/19
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Perhaps in an attempt to quell a growing controversy and make amends with the most powerful small handed man in the free world, officials in New York City have reportedly reached out to the White House and offered to rename a Manhattan landmark after the 45th President of the United States of America.
“While not enough New Yorkers like Mr. Trump enough for him to have carried his hometown, much less his home state, nevertheless, as much as we try to downplay it, there is a connection between the Big Apple and Trump,” New York City Junior Deputy Councilperson Sheila Williams told reporters today, “and as such we have extended an olive branch to the president, offering to name one of our most often used public toilets after him.”
All the talk of renaming landmarks for presidents and former presidents started with a popular online petition asking city officials to rename a block of Fifth Avenue after former President Barack Obama. There is no denying the lack of love lost between Trump and Obama, and supporters of the previous Democratic president attempted to “troll” Trump with the petition. Mr. Trump’s famous Trump Tower currently calls the block that would be renamed “Barack Obama Avenue” its home.
While most city officials have come out against the renaming petition, within the city council, some felt a compromise of some sort could be reached.
“There was a petition to rename one of our landfills after Trump, but we thought that might be a bit much,” Williams explained, “and frankly, a toilet is probably much more closely related to New York’s least favorite son who isn’t named Donald Trump Jr.”
According to Williams, the public toilet in question is one of the most highly used in all of Manhattan, and it’s “pretty much the perfect fit for Trump.”
“It’s always overflowing and you can smell its shit from a mile away in a cab,” Williams said, “so there is literally no better tribute to that man in all of New York City.”
Reports are that President Trump is fuming at the suggestion that he have a toilet named after him, and is considering all the tools the Constitution gives him in order to respond.
“The president is not taking any measures off the table,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said, his mouth completely full of President Trump, making it hard for reporters to clearly understand him at points, “and so if that means a tactical, preemptive nuclear strike on the boroughs, then by God that’s what we’re going to do. No one insults my president and gets away with it!”
Apparently, there are multiple parties involved in the proposed name change that were highly insulted by it.
“As the one who’s going to get named after Donald Trump, I believe my voice should be heard,” the public toilet told reporters at a press conference today. “I’m already associated with the second most disgusting thing on the planet. Why do I have to get lumped in with the worst, just because I’m a toilet. Sure, he likes to get peed on, but I like to get peed IN, big difference.”
“While not enough New Yorkers like Mr. Trump enough for him to have carried his hometown, much less his home state, nevertheless, as much as we try to downplay it, there is a connection between the Big Apple and Trump,” New York City Junior Deputy Councilperson Sheila Williams told reporters today, “and as such we have extended an olive branch to the president, offering to name one of our most often used public toilets after him.”
All the talk of renaming landmarks for presidents and former presidents started with a popular online petition asking city officials to rename a block of Fifth Avenue after former President Barack Obama. There is no denying the lack of love lost between Trump and Obama, and supporters of the previous Democratic president attempted to “troll” Trump with the petition. Mr. Trump’s famous Trump Tower currently calls the block that would be renamed “Barack Obama Avenue” its home.
While most city officials have come out against the renaming petition, within the city council, some felt a compromise of some sort could be reached.
“There was a petition to rename one of our landfills after Trump, but we thought that might be a bit much,” Williams explained, “and frankly, a toilet is probably much more closely related to New York’s least favorite son who isn’t named Donald Trump Jr.”
According to Williams, the public toilet in question is one of the most highly used in all of Manhattan, and it’s “pretty much the perfect fit for Trump.”
“It’s always overflowing and you can smell its shit from a mile away in a cab,” Williams said, “so there is literally no better tribute to that man in all of New York City.”
Reports are that President Trump is fuming at the suggestion that he have a toilet named after him, and is considering all the tools the Constitution gives him in order to respond.
“The president is not taking any measures off the table,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said, his mouth completely full of President Trump, making it hard for reporters to clearly understand him at points, “and so if that means a tactical, preemptive nuclear strike on the boroughs, then by God that’s what we’re going to do. No one insults my president and gets away with it!”
Apparently, there are multiple parties involved in the proposed name change that were highly insulted by it.
“As the one who’s going to get named after Donald Trump, I believe my voice should be heard,” the public toilet told reporters at a press conference today. “I’m already associated with the second most disgusting thing on the planet. Why do I have to get lumped in with the worst, just because I’m a toilet. Sure, he likes to get peed on, but I like to get peed IN, big difference.”
Barr Investigating If Obama Administration Forced Trump To Be Lifelong Lying Conman And Racist Idiot
by James Schlarmann - The Political Garbage Chute
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Earlier this year, during Senate testimony, William Barr — Attorney General and designer of President Trump’s latest model of handbags designed to carry water for as long is as necessary — sent shock waves through the Hill when he said he believed “spying did occur” on the Trump campaign in 2016. Barr would later walk back just how forcefully he was making the claim, though he said he was trying to get his “arms around” everything that transpired in the Mueller investigation.
Barr said he thinks it’s a “big problem” when campaigns spied on.
It has long been asserted without any evidence by Trump that the Obama administration spied on his campaign. However, even the last attorney general stopped short of ever accusing the Obama White House of malfeasance, and in fact in the two years since taking office, the theory that Obama “spied” on Trump has been shot down by officials in both political parties. Whatever Barr’s impetus for opening the new investigation, apparently he isn’t content to just open one; Barr is opening another investigation into the Obama administration.
“What I think everyone, every single American citizen, wants to know is something very simple,” Barr told reporters coming back from his lunch break today, “and that’s whether or not the previous presidential administration did anything to force the current president to be a duplicitous, lifelong conman and racist idiot. I will not rest until these questions are answered.”
Barr reiterated that the Mueller Report, which he still has not released, “completely and totally exonerates” Trump on the issue of obstruction of justice. However, it doesn’t get into whether or not Barack Obama held a gun to Trump’s head and turned him into a lying, double-dealing, corrupt, senile old bastard. That, Barr said, is “of utmost concern” to the security of the nation.
There’s no way of knowing how long Obama might have been forcing Trump to be a “literal racist fucking moron.” Obviously, Barr argues, it’s Obama’s fault that there are things about President Trump that are “repugnant and repulsive beyond what Mueller could have ever reported on.” Barr knows “deep in [his] heart,” that Trump is innocent of charges of obstruction of justice, but he reiterated that the American public cannot see the report that completely exonerates Trump because “it’s almost too exonerate-y.”
“We know for a fact that Obama personally spied on the president with the microwaves he had installed in the White House before handing over the keys,” Barr told reporters. “What I want to know is if he did something earlier, like decades earlier, that made Trump a vile, contemptible piece of human garbage.”
AG Barr says there is a “clear and simple” reason he has to investigate Obama.
“Everyone knows Obama is the cause of literally everything that’s wrong in America, and frankly the planet,” Barr said. “So no we’re going to get to the bottom of just how much sway he had on Trump’s ability to not be a human racist diatribe in an over sized winter coat.”
Ultimately, Barr says there are “just too many unanswered questions” about how Obama treated Trump for him to simply ignore them.
“Did Obama personally force President Trump to say gross things about his daughter? Did Obama personally put a gun to Trump’s head and force him to be a tax dodging liar,” Barr asked rhetorically. “If it wasn’t Obama, we know it was prolly George Soros or the Clintons, or even the ghost of Saul Alinsky.”
Barr brushed aside questions about whether he was wasting taxpayer money investigating a conspiracy theory.
“Excuse me?! Did you not pay attention to the Benghazi hearings? Republicans absolutely love wasting money investigating conspiracy theories,” Barr said. “Money is no object. Now, real conspiracies to cover up presidential crimes? That’s something Republicans will ignore until, well, forever, really.”
This is a developing story.
Barr said he thinks it’s a “big problem” when campaigns spied on.
It has long been asserted without any evidence by Trump that the Obama administration spied on his campaign. However, even the last attorney general stopped short of ever accusing the Obama White House of malfeasance, and in fact in the two years since taking office, the theory that Obama “spied” on Trump has been shot down by officials in both political parties. Whatever Barr’s impetus for opening the new investigation, apparently he isn’t content to just open one; Barr is opening another investigation into the Obama administration.
“What I think everyone, every single American citizen, wants to know is something very simple,” Barr told reporters coming back from his lunch break today, “and that’s whether or not the previous presidential administration did anything to force the current president to be a duplicitous, lifelong conman and racist idiot. I will not rest until these questions are answered.”
Barr reiterated that the Mueller Report, which he still has not released, “completely and totally exonerates” Trump on the issue of obstruction of justice. However, it doesn’t get into whether or not Barack Obama held a gun to Trump’s head and turned him into a lying, double-dealing, corrupt, senile old bastard. That, Barr said, is “of utmost concern” to the security of the nation.
There’s no way of knowing how long Obama might have been forcing Trump to be a “literal racist fucking moron.” Obviously, Barr argues, it’s Obama’s fault that there are things about President Trump that are “repugnant and repulsive beyond what Mueller could have ever reported on.” Barr knows “deep in [his] heart,” that Trump is innocent of charges of obstruction of justice, but he reiterated that the American public cannot see the report that completely exonerates Trump because “it’s almost too exonerate-y.”
“We know for a fact that Obama personally spied on the president with the microwaves he had installed in the White House before handing over the keys,” Barr told reporters. “What I want to know is if he did something earlier, like decades earlier, that made Trump a vile, contemptible piece of human garbage.”
AG Barr says there is a “clear and simple” reason he has to investigate Obama.
“Everyone knows Obama is the cause of literally everything that’s wrong in America, and frankly the planet,” Barr said. “So no we’re going to get to the bottom of just how much sway he had on Trump’s ability to not be a human racist diatribe in an over sized winter coat.”
Ultimately, Barr says there are “just too many unanswered questions” about how Obama treated Trump for him to simply ignore them.
“Did Obama personally force President Trump to say gross things about his daughter? Did Obama personally put a gun to Trump’s head and force him to be a tax dodging liar,” Barr asked rhetorically. “If it wasn’t Obama, we know it was prolly George Soros or the Clintons, or even the ghost of Saul Alinsky.”
Barr brushed aside questions about whether he was wasting taxpayer money investigating a conspiracy theory.
“Excuse me?! Did you not pay attention to the Benghazi hearings? Republicans absolutely love wasting money investigating conspiracy theories,” Barr said. “Money is no object. Now, real conspiracies to cover up presidential crimes? That’s something Republicans will ignore until, well, forever, really.”
This is a developing story.
Humor/Satire
Jesus Christ Has A Message For His Followers Who Vote For Trump: Fuck You
by James Schlarmann - The Political Garbage Chute
August 9, 2019
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., is unmistakably upset with those who consider themselves disciples of his teachings and still vote for Donald Trump in next year’s presidential election.
At a heavenly press conference early Friday morning, Christ lambasted people who call themselves Christians but still support Trump. He said that normally he doesn’t “get involved in earthly politics” because he has “way more important shit to do.” But events of the last three years have seen a rise in people who act and think like Trump, and Christ says he’s seen “way too many” people supporting Trump under the guise of protecting Christian values.
Jesus said he had a special message for those kinds of voters.
“If you read my teachings,” Christ said, “and genuinely think I’d support a guy like Trump, you’re high. And also — fuck you.”
Christ admitted that his message “might come off a little harsh” but he said that Trump was such “an incredibly stupid choice for a Christian” that he had to be as blunt as he possibly could.
“He’s nothing like what I said followers of mine should be,” Christ railed, asking, “Where’s the agape love? Where’s the treating your neighbor — you know, like those who live across your southern border — like you’d want to be treated?”
Jesus even said that Trump’s boastfulness about not paying taxes irked him.
“What happened to paying to Caesar what you owe Caesar,” Jesus asked incredulously.
Mr. Christ also pointed out that Christian conservatives were turning a blind eye to Trump’s disdain for marriage vows. That hypocrisy was “rich,” according Jesus.
“Not that I care,” Jesus said, “because in my day marriage was a legal contract used to join households and assets, but if you claim to want to defend traditional marriage, you’re fucking it up by supporting the guy whose dick has been in more places it shouldn’t have been than a cat burglar on a crime spree. I literally cannot think of a single, solitary, less Christian man than Donald Trump, and I’m Facebook friends with Satan for fuck’s sake.”
On the subject of leading figures in the religious right, Jesus was skeptical, to say the least, of their credentials.
“Charlatans like Phil Graham are the kinds of fake Christian pharisees I warned you about in the New Testament,” Jesus said, adding that if Graham “tells you water is wet, take a damn shower and check for yourself.”
Ultimately, Christ says people should vote how they want to, he just wants them to “do it for honest reasons.”
“You can vote for whomever you want,” Christ said, “Contrary to what a lot of so-called Christians down there think, Dad and I gave you guys free will for a reason. We like seeing you guys use it. Freedom is fun. And you can vote for Trump if you want to, really.”
Sipping from a glass of water at the podium that he later turned into wine, Jesus continued, “I wouldn’t, though. Know why? BECAUSE HE’S NOTHING FUCKING LIKE THE PEOPLE I SAY YOU SHOULD BE. THAT’S WHY.”
“So vote for him, if you want, just don’t do it while professing to defend Christian values,” Christ continued, “because he doesn’t give a shit about the poor, doesn’t love his neighbor, and treats women like garbage. Be honest with yourselves and admit you want him to win because you either are scared of brown skinned people or you just don’t like Democrats so much you’re willing to trade in your morals for a chance to win the White House.”
At a heavenly press conference early Friday morning, Christ lambasted people who call themselves Christians but still support Trump. He said that normally he doesn’t “get involved in earthly politics” because he has “way more important shit to do.” But events of the last three years have seen a rise in people who act and think like Trump, and Christ says he’s seen “way too many” people supporting Trump under the guise of protecting Christian values.
Jesus said he had a special message for those kinds of voters.
“If you read my teachings,” Christ said, “and genuinely think I’d support a guy like Trump, you’re high. And also — fuck you.”
Christ admitted that his message “might come off a little harsh” but he said that Trump was such “an incredibly stupid choice for a Christian” that he had to be as blunt as he possibly could.
“He’s nothing like what I said followers of mine should be,” Christ railed, asking, “Where’s the agape love? Where’s the treating your neighbor — you know, like those who live across your southern border — like you’d want to be treated?”
Jesus even said that Trump’s boastfulness about not paying taxes irked him.
“What happened to paying to Caesar what you owe Caesar,” Jesus asked incredulously.
Mr. Christ also pointed out that Christian conservatives were turning a blind eye to Trump’s disdain for marriage vows. That hypocrisy was “rich,” according Jesus.
“Not that I care,” Jesus said, “because in my day marriage was a legal contract used to join households and assets, but if you claim to want to defend traditional marriage, you’re fucking it up by supporting the guy whose dick has been in more places it shouldn’t have been than a cat burglar on a crime spree. I literally cannot think of a single, solitary, less Christian man than Donald Trump, and I’m Facebook friends with Satan for fuck’s sake.”
On the subject of leading figures in the religious right, Jesus was skeptical, to say the least, of their credentials.
“Charlatans like Phil Graham are the kinds of fake Christian pharisees I warned you about in the New Testament,” Jesus said, adding that if Graham “tells you water is wet, take a damn shower and check for yourself.”
Ultimately, Christ says people should vote how they want to, he just wants them to “do it for honest reasons.”
“You can vote for whomever you want,” Christ said, “Contrary to what a lot of so-called Christians down there think, Dad and I gave you guys free will for a reason. We like seeing you guys use it. Freedom is fun. And you can vote for Trump if you want to, really.”
Sipping from a glass of water at the podium that he later turned into wine, Jesus continued, “I wouldn’t, though. Know why? BECAUSE HE’S NOTHING FUCKING LIKE THE PEOPLE I SAY YOU SHOULD BE. THAT’S WHY.”
“So vote for him, if you want, just don’t do it while professing to defend Christian values,” Christ continued, “because he doesn’t give a shit about the poor, doesn’t love his neighbor, and treats women like garbage. Be honest with yourselves and admit you want him to win because you either are scared of brown skinned people or you just don’t like Democrats so much you’re willing to trade in your morals for a chance to win the White House.”
Dedicated to the stupid motherfuckers who believe both parties are the same
Nation Wonders How Much More Fucking Evidence Mueller Needs Exactly
By the Burrard Street Journal
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
After over a year of accumulating what many assume to be the most damning evidence ever against a sitting U.S. President, Americans today collectively wondered “how much more fucking evidence Robert Mueller needs exactly?”
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
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Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
May 24, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
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humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
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FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
