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reality funnies
february 15, 2019
Pence Begs Trump Not to Make Him Sit Next to Woman at State of the Union
By Andy Borowitz
February 5, 2019
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has begged Donald J. Trump not to make him sit next to a woman during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address, sources confirmed on Monday.
According to those sources, an emotional Pence came close to breaking down in tears as he explained that being seated next to a woman other than his wife was a violation of his personal code of behavior.
Pence offered Trump a variety of solutions to the problem, including introducing a third chair between him and the woman where his wife, Karen Pence, could be seated for the duration of the speech, “to make sure that that woman doesn’t try anything.”
“Let Mother sit next to me, or let me sit on Mother’s lap, but don’t make me sit next to that woman alone,” Pence reportedly sobbed.
According to those with knowledge about the meeting, Trump was less than receptive to Pence’s impassioned plea. “God, Mike, you’re such a loser,” he reportedly said.
According to those sources, an emotional Pence came close to breaking down in tears as he explained that being seated next to a woman other than his wife was a violation of his personal code of behavior.
Pence offered Trump a variety of solutions to the problem, including introducing a third chair between him and the woman where his wife, Karen Pence, could be seated for the duration of the speech, “to make sure that that woman doesn’t try anything.”
“Let Mother sit next to me, or let me sit on Mother’s lap, but don’t make me sit next to that woman alone,” Pence reportedly sobbed.
According to those with knowledge about the meeting, Trump was less than receptive to Pence’s impassioned plea. “God, Mike, you’re such a loser,” he reportedly said.
World Economic Forum confirms that you people are all fucking peasants
Sunday 27 January 2019
by Neil Tollfree - newsthump.com
The World Economic Forum concluded on Friday, with delegates unanimously passing a resolution confirming that all you people are all fucking peasants and if you go anywhere near them, they’ll set the dogs on you.
The World Economic Forum is a collection of business leaders and other bastards who gather together in the Swiss resort of Davos once a year to congratulate each other on how fabulously wealthy they are.
This year, the key theme of the conference was being better than everyone else, and the resolution was the culmination of a week of seminars and lectures about how ghastly you people are.
“It’s been a tremendously edifying experience,” said Lord Simon Williams, CEO of Arctic Drilling Corporation, owner of Wiltshire and total bastard.
“We had a fascinating lecture from Tony Blair on why ordinary people are awful, an interview with Mark Zuckerberg about his ongoing contempt for his own customers, and a workshop on how to cope with the crushing realisation that you are everything that is wrong with the world.
“Now, in accordance with our new resolution, clear off you f**king peasant or I’ll set the dogs on you.”
It is expected that, following this new resolution, the members of the World Economic Forum will spend the next year treating you all like the f**king peasants you are.
Just like the previous year and, most likely, the following year.
The World Economic Forum is a collection of business leaders and other bastards who gather together in the Swiss resort of Davos once a year to congratulate each other on how fabulously wealthy they are.
This year, the key theme of the conference was being better than everyone else, and the resolution was the culmination of a week of seminars and lectures about how ghastly you people are.
“It’s been a tremendously edifying experience,” said Lord Simon Williams, CEO of Arctic Drilling Corporation, owner of Wiltshire and total bastard.
“We had a fascinating lecture from Tony Blair on why ordinary people are awful, an interview with Mark Zuckerberg about his ongoing contempt for his own customers, and a workshop on how to cope with the crushing realisation that you are everything that is wrong with the world.
“Now, in accordance with our new resolution, clear off you f**king peasant or I’ll set the dogs on you.”
It is expected that, following this new resolution, the members of the World Economic Forum will spend the next year treating you all like the f**king peasants you are.
Just like the previous year and, most likely, the following year.
Americans Relieved to Learn That Trump Spends Sixty Per Cent of Time Not Using Powers as President
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
February 4, 2019
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A leak of Donald J. Trump’s official White House schedule has left millions of Americans deeply relieved that Trump spends approximately sixty per cent of each day not using his powers as President.
In conversations across the country, Americans called the revelation that Trump devotes the majority of his day to “executive time,” a euphemism for watching TV and checking Twitter, the most reassuring news out of the White House in months.
“Like most of the people I know, the idea of Donald Trump sitting behind his desk doing things that affect the country has me in a state of mortal terror,” Carol Foyler, a resident of Minneapolis, said. “Just knowing that he’s spending sixty per cent of his time doing basically nothing makes me feel somewhat better.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Detroit, agreed that it was “great news that Trump is only President forty per cent of the time” but called on the entertainment industry to create more diverting programming that might distract Trump for a larger portion of his day. “It would be fantastic if we could push the sixty per cent of his day that he does nothing up to seventy or even eighty per cent,” he said. “Maybe someone could come up with a podcast that he could get into.”
But Tracy Klugian, a Baltimore resident, said that the leak of Trump’s schedule did little to allay her darkest fears. “Until I find out that he’s spending a hundred per cent of his time not being President, I won’t sleep at night,” she said.
In conversations across the country, Americans called the revelation that Trump devotes the majority of his day to “executive time,” a euphemism for watching TV and checking Twitter, the most reassuring news out of the White House in months.
“Like most of the people I know, the idea of Donald Trump sitting behind his desk doing things that affect the country has me in a state of mortal terror,” Carol Foyler, a resident of Minneapolis, said. “Just knowing that he’s spending sixty per cent of his time doing basically nothing makes me feel somewhat better.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Detroit, agreed that it was “great news that Trump is only President forty per cent of the time” but called on the entertainment industry to create more diverting programming that might distract Trump for a larger portion of his day. “It would be fantastic if we could push the sixty per cent of his day that he does nothing up to seventy or even eighty per cent,” he said. “Maybe someone could come up with a podcast that he could get into.”
But Tracy Klugian, a Baltimore resident, said that the leak of Trump’s schedule did little to allay her darkest fears. “Until I find out that he’s spending a hundred per cent of his time not being President, I won’t sleep at night,” she said.
Study: Most Innocent People Need to Hire Thirty-Five Lawyers at Some Point
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Most people who are innocent of any crimes will still need to hire thirty-five lawyers at some point, a new study shows.
According to the study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Law School, thirty-five is the “bare minimum” number of lawyers that an innocent person should have on retainer in the event that he or she becomes the subject of an entirely unjustified criminal investigation.
“We found that many innocent people are going through life without taking the basic precaution of hiring thirty-five lawyers,” Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “They are flirting with disaster.”
“An innocent person who has absolutely nothing to hide should do everything in his or her power to avoid answering questions from investigators,” he said. “Thirty-five lawyers can really help you do that.”
Additionally, Logsdon noted, hiring nearly three dozen lawyers is invaluable because of the powerful statement it makes. “Nothing says ‘I’m innocent’ like hiring thirty-five lawyers,” he said.
Although some innocent people may balk at the unwieldy number of lawyers that the study recommends, Logsdon emphasized that thirty-five lawyers provide necessary protection against unforeseen legal complications. “If, for example, one of your lawyers goes to prison, you will still have thirty-four,” he said.
Logsdon acknowledged that, although every innocent person should definitely hire thirty-five lawyers, such legal help does not come cheap. “Legal bills for thirty-five lawyers can be very expensive, unless you’re a person who doesn’t pay his bills,” he said.
According to the study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Law School, thirty-five is the “bare minimum” number of lawyers that an innocent person should have on retainer in the event that he or she becomes the subject of an entirely unjustified criminal investigation.
“We found that many innocent people are going through life without taking the basic precaution of hiring thirty-five lawyers,” Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “They are flirting with disaster.”
“An innocent person who has absolutely nothing to hide should do everything in his or her power to avoid answering questions from investigators,” he said. “Thirty-five lawyers can really help you do that.”
Additionally, Logsdon noted, hiring nearly three dozen lawyers is invaluable because of the powerful statement it makes. “Nothing says ‘I’m innocent’ like hiring thirty-five lawyers,” he said.
Although some innocent people may balk at the unwieldy number of lawyers that the study recommends, Logsdon emphasized that thirty-five lawyers provide necessary protection against unforeseen legal complications. “If, for example, one of your lawyers goes to prison, you will still have thirty-four,” he said.
Logsdon acknowledged that, although every innocent person should definitely hire thirty-five lawyers, such legal help does not come cheap. “Legal bills for thirty-five lawyers can be very expensive, unless you’re a person who doesn’t pay his bills,” he said.
Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents
the onion
WASHINGTON—Strutting into the Capitol like she had some kind of electoral mandate, presumptuous congressional freshman Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (D-FL) thought Thursday that she could just come in and start representing her constituents. “I’m sorry, big shot, but that’s just not the way things work around here,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, explaining that the Florida representative needed to spend at least her first three terms memorizing obscure parliamentary procedures, sucking up to party leaders, and groveling to corporate donors before she could even consider drafting a law benefiting her home district. “She can’t just waltz in here with a list of demands from her constituents and do something about it. Christ, the fucking gall, thinking she can just represent the beliefs and desires of the people who elected her. She’s out there holding town halls and tweeting about healthcare—who the hell does she think she is? Here’s some advice, Debbie: Wait until you’re a cynical, shallow husk of yourself, and only then will you be ready to properly govern. Otherwise, you keep your head down, you vote for what we put in front of you, and you fundraise.” Hoyer, who grew visibly agitated, recommended that the novice lawmaker quit rabble-rousing and get back to him when she’s 75 and a millionaire.
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Saudi Crown Prince Freaks Out After Giuliani Offers to Go on TV and Explain What Happened
BY ANDY BOROWITZ - THE NEW YORKER
OCTOBER 23, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, “totally freaked out” after Rudolph Giuliani offered to appear on television and explain “what really happened” inside the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Giuliani has confirmed.
Giuliani told reporters on Tuesday that he phoned the crown prince to make “an extremely attractive offer of my services.”
“I told him, ‘I can get this whole thing wrapped up in two weeks—three, tops,’ ” Giuliani said. “ ‘Just say the word and Rudy Giuliani can be your official TV spokesman.’ ”
“I would just get out there and clear up a lot of the questions people have,” he said. “Whose idea was the body double? Who paid for the bone saw? Let’s just tell everybody everything. I would do an amazing job of that.”
According to White House sources, the crown prince abruptly hung up on the former New York mayor and immediately called Donald J. Trump to demand that Giuliani be detained indefinitely in the White House basement.
Giuliani said that he was “saddened” that the Saudi royal reacted so negatively to his offer. “I haven’t been on TV in a while,” he said. “I really miss it.”
Giuliani told reporters on Tuesday that he phoned the crown prince to make “an extremely attractive offer of my services.”
“I told him, ‘I can get this whole thing wrapped up in two weeks—three, tops,’ ” Giuliani said. “ ‘Just say the word and Rudy Giuliani can be your official TV spokesman.’ ”
“I would just get out there and clear up a lot of the questions people have,” he said. “Whose idea was the body double? Who paid for the bone saw? Let’s just tell everybody everything. I would do an amazing job of that.”
According to White House sources, the crown prince abruptly hung up on the former New York mayor and immediately called Donald J. Trump to demand that Giuliani be detained indefinitely in the White House basement.
Giuliani said that he was “saddened” that the Saudi royal reacted so negatively to his offer. “I haven’t been on TV in a while,” he said. “I really miss it.”
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Nation’s Criminals Ask for F.B.I. Investigation Kavanaugh Just Got
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
October 5, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest controversy to envelop the Supreme Court nominee, criminals across the United States are demanding that their cases receive the kind of F.B.I. investigation that Brett Kavanaugh just got.
From coast to coast, perpetrators of crimes ranging from arson to bank robbery are arguing that, if the F.B.I. investigates them at all, such investigations should be extremely limited in scope.
Harland Dorrinson, a criminal lawyer in Cleveland, said that his clients have followed the Kavanaugh probe “with great interest” and see it as “tailor-made” for the crimes for which they stand accused.
“My clients are asking that the F.B.I. investigate them for no more than five days and only talk to the witnesses I designate,” Dorrinson said. “We think this could be a huge time saver for everybody.”
One of his clients, Denton Faldo, currently faces twenty criminal counts of cooking and selling meth, but wants the F.B.I. to investigate only an unrelated speeding violation.
“It’s important that the F.B.I. wrap up this investigation by Friday and release me from jail in time for the weekend,” Faldo said. “A man’s life is in tatters.”
From coast to coast, perpetrators of crimes ranging from arson to bank robbery are arguing that, if the F.B.I. investigates them at all, such investigations should be extremely limited in scope.
Harland Dorrinson, a criminal lawyer in Cleveland, said that his clients have followed the Kavanaugh probe “with great interest” and see it as “tailor-made” for the crimes for which they stand accused.
“My clients are asking that the F.B.I. investigate them for no more than five days and only talk to the witnesses I designate,” Dorrinson said. “We think this could be a huge time saver for everybody.”
One of his clients, Denton Faldo, currently faces twenty criminal counts of cooking and selling meth, but wants the F.B.I. to investigate only an unrelated speeding violation.
“It’s important that the F.B.I. wrap up this investigation by Friday and release me from jail in time for the weekend,” Faldo said. “A man’s life is in tatters.”
Putin Reportedly Close to Firing Giuliani
By Andy Borowitz - new yorker
August 20, 2018
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin is reportedly “very close” to firing Rudolph Giuliani as Donald J. Trump’s attorney, a source close to the Russian President confirmed on Monday.
According to the source, Putin allowed Trump to hire Giuliani in the first place because “it’s important to let Trump think that he has some autonomy from time to time,” but now the Russian President has apparently determined that “enough is enough.”
Over the next few days, the source indicated, Putin is likely to replace Giuliani with a handpicked successor, Arkady Lubetkin, a criminal-defense attorney who has represented several prominent Russian Mob figures.
After hearing anecdotal reports of Giuliani’s appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday, Putin initially theorized that the nonsensical nature of Giuliani’s utterances had to be chalked up to “an error in translation,” the source said.
After reading an official transcript of Giuliani’s statements, however, the Russian President was apparently “flabbergasted.”
“Pravda is not pravda?” Putin reportedly said. “What is this bullshit?”
According to the source, Putin allowed Trump to hire Giuliani in the first place because “it’s important to let Trump think that he has some autonomy from time to time,” but now the Russian President has apparently determined that “enough is enough.”
Over the next few days, the source indicated, Putin is likely to replace Giuliani with a handpicked successor, Arkady Lubetkin, a criminal-defense attorney who has represented several prominent Russian Mob figures.
After hearing anecdotal reports of Giuliani’s appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday, Putin initially theorized that the nonsensical nature of Giuliani’s utterances had to be chalked up to “an error in translation,” the source said.
After reading an official transcript of Giuliani’s statements, however, the Russian President was apparently “flabbergasted.”
“Pravda is not pravda?” Putin reportedly said. “What is this bullshit?”
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Nation Wonders How Much More Fucking Evidence Mueller Needs Exactly
By the Burrard Street Journal
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
After over a year of accumulating what many assume to be the most damning evidence ever against a sitting U.S. President, Americans today collectively wondered “how much more fucking evidence Robert Mueller needs exactly?”
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
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Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
May 24, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
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humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
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FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
