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reality funnies
apr 26, 2018
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Trump Sends National Guard to His Accountant’s Office
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
10:41 A.M.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what some experts are calling an unprecedented use of military force, Donald J. Trump on Tuesday ordered four thousand National Guard troops to protect the midtown Manhattan offices of his accountant.
According to those familiar with the National Guard’s deployment, the troops will secure the corridors and elevator banks in the vicinity of the accounting firm that prepares Trump’s taxes.
The troops, whose mission is being called “Operation Safe Returns,” are expected to arrive on Wednesday, after making the two-thousand-mile journey from the Mexican border.
At the White House, Trump defended his decision to use the nation’s military to protect his accountant’s offices. “Yesterday our country was attacked,” he said. “Never again.”
Trump’s unilateral decision to invade Manhattan drew a muted response in diplomatic circles around the world, with many allies taking a cautious “wait and see” attitude.
In North Korea, Kim Jong Un said that he still planned to have a May summit with the U.S. President, “whoever that is by then.”
According to those familiar with the National Guard’s deployment, the troops will secure the corridors and elevator banks in the vicinity of the accounting firm that prepares Trump’s taxes.
The troops, whose mission is being called “Operation Safe Returns,” are expected to arrive on Wednesday, after making the two-thousand-mile journey from the Mexican border.
At the White House, Trump defended his decision to use the nation’s military to protect his accountant’s offices. “Yesterday our country was attacked,” he said. “Never again.”
Trump’s unilateral decision to invade Manhattan drew a muted response in diplomatic circles around the world, with many allies taking a cautious “wait and see” attitude.
In North Korea, Kim Jong Un said that he still planned to have a May summit with the U.S. President, “whoever that is by then.”
humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
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Trump Demands Poem on Statue of Liberty Be Revised to Exclude Shithole Countries
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
January 11, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump demanded on Thursday that the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty be revised immediately to exclude nations he considered “shithole countries.”
Speaking to reporters, Trump said that the poem as it currently stands “is basically an open invitation that says, like, if you come from a shithole country, welcome aboard.”
“I don’t know the entire poem, but it’s something like ‘Give us your tired, your poor, your yadda yadda yadda,’ ” he said. “We could keep all that but then put in, right at the end, in big letters, maybe, ‘except if you’re from a shithole country.’ ”
“I think if a boat from a shithole country came and saw that poem with those words at the end, they would turn around and go right back to wherever they came from,” he said.
Shortly after Trump made his remarks about “shithole” countries, representatives of the countries he designated as such released a joint response.
“We do not understand Pr*sident Trump’s aversion to so-called ‘shithole countries,’ since he is doing his best to turn the United States into one,” the statement read.
Speaking to reporters, Trump said that the poem as it currently stands “is basically an open invitation that says, like, if you come from a shithole country, welcome aboard.”
“I don’t know the entire poem, but it’s something like ‘Give us your tired, your poor, your yadda yadda yadda,’ ” he said. “We could keep all that but then put in, right at the end, in big letters, maybe, ‘except if you’re from a shithole country.’ ”
“I think if a boat from a shithole country came and saw that poem with those words at the end, they would turn around and go right back to wherever they came from,” he said.
Shortly after Trump made his remarks about “shithole” countries, representatives of the countries he designated as such released a joint response.
“We do not understand Pr*sident Trump’s aversion to so-called ‘shithole countries,’ since he is doing his best to turn the United States into one,” the statement read.
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FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
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In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
FAKE NEWS: *CANADIANS CELEBRATE AMERICAN THANKSGIVING BY GIVING THANKS THEY’RE NOT AMERICAN
By the Burrard Street Journal - Thursday, November 23, 2017
IN what is being described as a major break from tradition, Canadians across the globe are embracing and celebrating American Thanksgiving this year, specifically giving thanks they’re not American.
For the first time ever, despite celebrating their own Thanksgiving only 6 short weeks ago, citizens of the great White North are coming together with family and friends to give thanks they’re not presently residing in the United States.
“When you see what’s going on down there, specifically in the past 206 days, it really just puts things into perspective,” one Canadian woman posted on facebook. “Makes you want to grab your loved ones close and thank God none of you are American.”
Another man who described himself as a “proud Canadian”, today admitted he was celebrating an American holiday for the first time.
“Last year I needed life saving surgery I couldn’t afford and the Canadian government didn’t let me die, so yeah, I’m pretty thankful I’m not American,” he tweeted.
CBC News interviewed one local Calgary family, the Roberts, who were busy going around the dinner table, each giving a reason why they’re thankful to not be from the USA.
“Abortion, gun control, oh, oh, Trump, Spacey, Harvey Weinstein!” declared the youngest child. “Oh, those are good ones,” Mrs Roberts replied, reminding the children of the importance of understanding exactly why to be so thankful they’re not part of the 50 states.
The Roberts’ eldest daughter, explained some of the differences between the two countries she’s most thankful for, saying:
“You know it’s the little things. Like when I go to the mall or to school in Canada I’m like a lot less likely to be killed by an assault rifle than if I were in the States, so I’m thankful for that I guess… And you know, healthcare has its uses i suppose.”
Meanwhile in a televised address, Prime Minister Trudeau stopped short of declaring the day an official Canadian holiday but reminded Canadians to remember those less fortunate.
“Today, let us all come together and remember that no matter what I’m doing, it could be worse,” the PM said in the House of Commons. “All Canadians should give thanks we didn’t have to choose between Clinton or Trump. Not every country is so lucky to have such amazing politicians as Canada.”
For the first time ever, despite celebrating their own Thanksgiving only 6 short weeks ago, citizens of the great White North are coming together with family and friends to give thanks they’re not presently residing in the United States.
“When you see what’s going on down there, specifically in the past 206 days, it really just puts things into perspective,” one Canadian woman posted on facebook. “Makes you want to grab your loved ones close and thank God none of you are American.”
Another man who described himself as a “proud Canadian”, today admitted he was celebrating an American holiday for the first time.
“Last year I needed life saving surgery I couldn’t afford and the Canadian government didn’t let me die, so yeah, I’m pretty thankful I’m not American,” he tweeted.
CBC News interviewed one local Calgary family, the Roberts, who were busy going around the dinner table, each giving a reason why they’re thankful to not be from the USA.
“Abortion, gun control, oh, oh, Trump, Spacey, Harvey Weinstein!” declared the youngest child. “Oh, those are good ones,” Mrs Roberts replied, reminding the children of the importance of understanding exactly why to be so thankful they’re not part of the 50 states.
The Roberts’ eldest daughter, explained some of the differences between the two countries she’s most thankful for, saying:
“You know it’s the little things. Like when I go to the mall or to school in Canada I’m like a lot less likely to be killed by an assault rifle than if I were in the States, so I’m thankful for that I guess… And you know, healthcare has its uses i suppose.”
Meanwhile in a televised address, Prime Minister Trudeau stopped short of declaring the day an official Canadian holiday but reminded Canadians to remember those less fortunate.
“Today, let us all come together and remember that no matter what I’m doing, it could be worse,” the PM said in the House of Commons. “All Canadians should give thanks we didn’t have to choose between Clinton or Trump. Not every country is so lucky to have such amazing politicians as Canada.”
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
