TO COMMENT CLICK HERE
reality funnies
june 18, 2018
Let us all bow our heads and praise Don
And his stupendous new lil’buddy, whatzizname
|
|
|
|
Kim Jong Un Offers to Host Peace Talks Between United States and Canada
By Andy Borowitz - new yorker
6/11/18 11:13 A.M.
SINGAPORE (The Borowitz Report)—One day before his summit with Donald J. Trump, the North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, has offered to host peace talks between the United States and Canada.
Speaking to reporters at his hotel in Singapore, Kim said that the rising tensions between the North American neighbors were posing an “intolerable threat to world peace.”
In addition to offering to host U.S.-Canada talks in Pyongyang, Kim urged the immediate creation of a demilitarized zone along the border separating the two hostile nations.
“In exchange for Canadian Mounties agreeing to stand down on their side of the border, the United States, in turn, would dismantle its nuclear weapons,” Kim said.
Although stating that “North Korea stands ready and willing to be an honest broker” in peace talks between the two countries, he urged Trump to dial back the “inflammatory rhetoric” that he aimed at Canadians over the weekend.
“Violent language and threats have no place in international diplomacy,” Kim said.
Speaking to reporters at his hotel in Singapore, Kim said that the rising tensions between the North American neighbors were posing an “intolerable threat to world peace.”
In addition to offering to host U.S.-Canada talks in Pyongyang, Kim urged the immediate creation of a demilitarized zone along the border separating the two hostile nations.
“In exchange for Canadian Mounties agreeing to stand down on their side of the border, the United States, in turn, would dismantle its nuclear weapons,” Kim said.
Although stating that “North Korea stands ready and willing to be an honest broker” in peace talks between the two countries, he urged Trump to dial back the “inflammatory rhetoric” that he aimed at Canadians over the weekend.
“Violent language and threats have no place in international diplomacy,” Kim said.
|
|
Schools Cancel White House Tours, Fearing That Trump Might Teach Kids History
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
6/7/18
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Schools across the country have cancelled tours of the White House out of concern that a chance encounter with Donald J. Trump could lead to an attempt by the President to teach their students history.
In an advisory sent to the nation’s schools on Thursday, the American Educators Consortium urged teachers to scrap all scheduled trips to the White House in order “to prevent the hard work you and your students have been doing from being totally undone.”
Carol Foyler, a middle-school history teacher from Bethesda, Maryland, spoke of a “scary moment” during a White House tour last week when her class had a “near-miss” with Trump.
“We were walking by the Oval Office, the door was open, and I could see he was in there,” the educator said. “I just said to my kids, ‘Keep your heads down and walk fast.’ ”
Foyler said that she considers herself lucky to have protected her students from the devastating impact of Trump’s ignorance, and acknowledges that the situation could have been “much worse.”
“What if we had been walking through the West Wing and found ourselves face to face with Trump and Betsy DeVos?” she said. “I don’t even want to think about it.”
In an advisory sent to the nation’s schools on Thursday, the American Educators Consortium urged teachers to scrap all scheduled trips to the White House in order “to prevent the hard work you and your students have been doing from being totally undone.”
Carol Foyler, a middle-school history teacher from Bethesda, Maryland, spoke of a “scary moment” during a White House tour last week when her class had a “near-miss” with Trump.
“We were walking by the Oval Office, the door was open, and I could see he was in there,” the educator said. “I just said to my kids, ‘Keep your heads down and walk fast.’ ”
Foyler said that she considers herself lucky to have protected her students from the devastating impact of Trump’s ignorance, and acknowledges that the situation could have been “much worse.”
“What if we had been walking through the West Wing and found ourselves face to face with Trump and Betsy DeVos?” she said. “I don’t even want to think about it.”
|
|
|
|
Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
May 24, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
|
|
|
|
FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
