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reality funnies
Aug 23, 2019
Humor/Satire
God Says He’s Getting A Lot Of Prayers About Mitch McConnell Having A Stroke
by James Schlarmann - The Political Garbage Chute
August 19, 2019
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — The CEO of Holy Trinity Inc., one of the afterlife’s premier eternal timeshare resorts, told heavenly reporters today that he’s been getting “absolutely douched” with requests on his resort’s prayer hotline that he’s “not all the sure what to do about.”
“People praying for something bad to happen to Republicans is really nothing new, because I think most Americans figured out a long time ago the only way to get Republicans to care about something tragic is to have that same tragedy befall a Republican,” Larry “God” Schumway told the press today, “but since prayers for pain and suffering aren’t really our thing around here since about the time my son Jesus went down there, we typically just forward those requests to a special folder and don’t even really look at them again.”
Schumway divulged, however, that since about January of 2017, and ramping up until now, there have been increasing numbers of Americans praying for a very specific thing to happen to a very specific human being.
“I have to tell you — we are getting absolutely douched these days with people asking about Mitch McConnell having a stroke,” God said. “Not even really me giving it to him. People are just praying about the possibility of him having one. It’s like, they’re too afraid to have hope, so they’re just kind of asking in a roundabout way if it’s even possible for Mitch to have one. To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do about those prayers, because they’re not really asking for him to have a stroke, but you can definitely infer from the context that they wouldn’t look a gift stroke in the half-paralyzed mouth, if you know what I mean.”
Mr. Schumway says he isn’t “completely sure” how to handle the McConnell stroke prayers.
“I mean, a stroke isn’t necessarily lethal, so they’re not really, technically, praying for me to kill someone,” God mused, “but, no, I think I still have to politely decline answering those prayers altogether.”
As much as Schumway says he “gets” why people are asking about McConnell having a stroke, he doesn’t want to “open a can of worms” he can’t close by entertaining thoughts of “stroking Mitch out.”
“No one gets how much Mitch needs a karmic kick in the chooch than I do, believe you me,” God explained, “but I really can’t get into a tit-for-tat on this, even with such a boob like Mitch. I can’t even let myself entertain thoughts of stroking Mitch out. It opens up a can of worms I’m not sure I can close at that point.”
For now, Schumway says he and his staff will keep the McConnell stroke inquiries separate from the prayers that directly ask for bad things to befall other people. God said he’d end up “talking to one of [his] friends” about the stroke requests.
“They aren’t my usual area of expertise, but I think I’m going to end up talking to one of my friends about them,” God said. “Satan’s always willing to give people strokes. Then again, Mitch is on Satan’s team, so that could definitely complicate things.”
“People praying for something bad to happen to Republicans is really nothing new, because I think most Americans figured out a long time ago the only way to get Republicans to care about something tragic is to have that same tragedy befall a Republican,” Larry “God” Schumway told the press today, “but since prayers for pain and suffering aren’t really our thing around here since about the time my son Jesus went down there, we typically just forward those requests to a special folder and don’t even really look at them again.”
Schumway divulged, however, that since about January of 2017, and ramping up until now, there have been increasing numbers of Americans praying for a very specific thing to happen to a very specific human being.
“I have to tell you — we are getting absolutely douched these days with people asking about Mitch McConnell having a stroke,” God said. “Not even really me giving it to him. People are just praying about the possibility of him having one. It’s like, they’re too afraid to have hope, so they’re just kind of asking in a roundabout way if it’s even possible for Mitch to have one. To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do about those prayers, because they’re not really asking for him to have a stroke, but you can definitely infer from the context that they wouldn’t look a gift stroke in the half-paralyzed mouth, if you know what I mean.”
Mr. Schumway says he isn’t “completely sure” how to handle the McConnell stroke prayers.
“I mean, a stroke isn’t necessarily lethal, so they’re not really, technically, praying for me to kill someone,” God mused, “but, no, I think I still have to politely decline answering those prayers altogether.”
As much as Schumway says he “gets” why people are asking about McConnell having a stroke, he doesn’t want to “open a can of worms” he can’t close by entertaining thoughts of “stroking Mitch out.”
“No one gets how much Mitch needs a karmic kick in the chooch than I do, believe you me,” God explained, “but I really can’t get into a tit-for-tat on this, even with such a boob like Mitch. I can’t even let myself entertain thoughts of stroking Mitch out. It opens up a can of worms I’m not sure I can close at that point.”
For now, Schumway says he and his staff will keep the McConnell stroke inquiries separate from the prayers that directly ask for bad things to befall other people. God said he’d end up “talking to one of [his] friends” about the stroke requests.
“They aren’t my usual area of expertise, but I think I’m going to end up talking to one of my friends about them,” God said. “Satan’s always willing to give people strokes. Then again, Mitch is on Satan’s team, so that could definitely complicate things.”
New York Offers to Rename Public Toilet After Trump
PUBLISHED BY James Schlarmann - Alternative Facts
8/19/19
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Perhaps in an attempt to quell a growing controversy and make amends with the most powerful small handed man in the free world, officials in New York City have reportedly reached out to the White House and offered to rename a Manhattan landmark after the 45th President of the United States of America.
“While not enough New Yorkers like Mr. Trump enough for him to have carried his hometown, much less his home state, nevertheless, as much as we try to downplay it, there is a connection between the Big Apple and Trump,” New York City Junior Deputy Councilperson Sheila Williams told reporters today, “and as such we have extended an olive branch to the president, offering to name one of our most often used public toilets after him.”
All the talk of renaming landmarks for presidents and former presidents started with a popular online petition asking city officials to rename a block of Fifth Avenue after former President Barack Obama. There is no denying the lack of love lost between Trump and Obama, and supporters of the previous Democratic president attempted to “troll” Trump with the petition. Mr. Trump’s famous Trump Tower currently calls the block that would be renamed “Barack Obama Avenue” its home.
While most city officials have come out against the renaming petition, within the city council, some felt a compromise of some sort could be reached.
“There was a petition to rename one of our landfills after Trump, but we thought that might be a bit much,” Williams explained, “and frankly, a toilet is probably much more closely related to New York’s least favorite son who isn’t named Donald Trump Jr.”
According to Williams, the public toilet in question is one of the most highly used in all of Manhattan, and it’s “pretty much the perfect fit for Trump.”
“It’s always overflowing and you can smell its shit from a mile away in a cab,” Williams said, “so there is literally no better tribute to that man in all of New York City.”
Reports are that President Trump is fuming at the suggestion that he have a toilet named after him, and is considering all the tools the Constitution gives him in order to respond.
“The president is not taking any measures off the table,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said, his mouth completely full of President Trump, making it hard for reporters to clearly understand him at points, “and so if that means a tactical, preemptive nuclear strike on the boroughs, then by God that’s what we’re going to do. No one insults my president and gets away with it!”
Apparently, there are multiple parties involved in the proposed name change that were highly insulted by it.
“As the one who’s going to get named after Donald Trump, I believe my voice should be heard,” the public toilet told reporters at a press conference today. “I’m already associated with the second most disgusting thing on the planet. Why do I have to get lumped in with the worst, just because I’m a toilet. Sure, he likes to get peed on, but I like to get peed IN, big difference.”
“While not enough New Yorkers like Mr. Trump enough for him to have carried his hometown, much less his home state, nevertheless, as much as we try to downplay it, there is a connection between the Big Apple and Trump,” New York City Junior Deputy Councilperson Sheila Williams told reporters today, “and as such we have extended an olive branch to the president, offering to name one of our most often used public toilets after him.”
All the talk of renaming landmarks for presidents and former presidents started with a popular online petition asking city officials to rename a block of Fifth Avenue after former President Barack Obama. There is no denying the lack of love lost between Trump and Obama, and supporters of the previous Democratic president attempted to “troll” Trump with the petition. Mr. Trump’s famous Trump Tower currently calls the block that would be renamed “Barack Obama Avenue” its home.
While most city officials have come out against the renaming petition, within the city council, some felt a compromise of some sort could be reached.
“There was a petition to rename one of our landfills after Trump, but we thought that might be a bit much,” Williams explained, “and frankly, a toilet is probably much more closely related to New York’s least favorite son who isn’t named Donald Trump Jr.”
According to Williams, the public toilet in question is one of the most highly used in all of Manhattan, and it’s “pretty much the perfect fit for Trump.”
“It’s always overflowing and you can smell its shit from a mile away in a cab,” Williams said, “so there is literally no better tribute to that man in all of New York City.”
Reports are that President Trump is fuming at the suggestion that he have a toilet named after him, and is considering all the tools the Constitution gives him in order to respond.
“The president is not taking any measures off the table,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said, his mouth completely full of President Trump, making it hard for reporters to clearly understand him at points, “and so if that means a tactical, preemptive nuclear strike on the boroughs, then by God that’s what we’re going to do. No one insults my president and gets away with it!”
Apparently, there are multiple parties involved in the proposed name change that were highly insulted by it.
“As the one who’s going to get named after Donald Trump, I believe my voice should be heard,” the public toilet told reporters at a press conference today. “I’m already associated with the second most disgusting thing on the planet. Why do I have to get lumped in with the worst, just because I’m a toilet. Sure, he likes to get peed on, but I like to get peed IN, big difference.”
Barr Investigating If Obama Administration Forced Trump To Be Lifelong Lying Conman And Racist Idiot
by James Schlarmann - The Political Garbage Chute
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Earlier this year, during Senate testimony, William Barr — Attorney General and designer of President Trump’s latest model of handbags designed to carry water for as long is as necessary — sent shock waves through the Hill when he said he believed “spying did occur” on the Trump campaign in 2016. Barr would later walk back just how forcefully he was making the claim, though he said he was trying to get his “arms around” everything that transpired in the Mueller investigation.
Barr said he thinks it’s a “big problem” when campaigns spied on.
It has long been asserted without any evidence by Trump that the Obama administration spied on his campaign. However, even the last attorney general stopped short of ever accusing the Obama White House of malfeasance, and in fact in the two years since taking office, the theory that Obama “spied” on Trump has been shot down by officials in both political parties. Whatever Barr’s impetus for opening the new investigation, apparently he isn’t content to just open one; Barr is opening another investigation into the Obama administration.
“What I think everyone, every single American citizen, wants to know is something very simple,” Barr told reporters coming back from his lunch break today, “and that’s whether or not the previous presidential administration did anything to force the current president to be a duplicitous, lifelong conman and racist idiot. I will not rest until these questions are answered.”
Barr reiterated that the Mueller Report, which he still has not released, “completely and totally exonerates” Trump on the issue of obstruction of justice. However, it doesn’t get into whether or not Barack Obama held a gun to Trump’s head and turned him into a lying, double-dealing, corrupt, senile old bastard. That, Barr said, is “of utmost concern” to the security of the nation.
There’s no way of knowing how long Obama might have been forcing Trump to be a “literal racist fucking moron.” Obviously, Barr argues, it’s Obama’s fault that there are things about President Trump that are “repugnant and repulsive beyond what Mueller could have ever reported on.” Barr knows “deep in [his] heart,” that Trump is innocent of charges of obstruction of justice, but he reiterated that the American public cannot see the report that completely exonerates Trump because “it’s almost too exonerate-y.”
“We know for a fact that Obama personally spied on the president with the microwaves he had installed in the White House before handing over the keys,” Barr told reporters. “What I want to know is if he did something earlier, like decades earlier, that made Trump a vile, contemptible piece of human garbage.”
AG Barr says there is a “clear and simple” reason he has to investigate Obama.
“Everyone knows Obama is the cause of literally everything that’s wrong in America, and frankly the planet,” Barr said. “So no we’re going to get to the bottom of just how much sway he had on Trump’s ability to not be a human racist diatribe in an over sized winter coat.”
Ultimately, Barr says there are “just too many unanswered questions” about how Obama treated Trump for him to simply ignore them.
“Did Obama personally force President Trump to say gross things about his daughter? Did Obama personally put a gun to Trump’s head and force him to be a tax dodging liar,” Barr asked rhetorically. “If it wasn’t Obama, we know it was prolly George Soros or the Clintons, or even the ghost of Saul Alinsky.”
Barr brushed aside questions about whether he was wasting taxpayer money investigating a conspiracy theory.
“Excuse me?! Did you not pay attention to the Benghazi hearings? Republicans absolutely love wasting money investigating conspiracy theories,” Barr said. “Money is no object. Now, real conspiracies to cover up presidential crimes? That’s something Republicans will ignore until, well, forever, really.”
This is a developing story.
Barr said he thinks it’s a “big problem” when campaigns spied on.
It has long been asserted without any evidence by Trump that the Obama administration spied on his campaign. However, even the last attorney general stopped short of ever accusing the Obama White House of malfeasance, and in fact in the two years since taking office, the theory that Obama “spied” on Trump has been shot down by officials in both political parties. Whatever Barr’s impetus for opening the new investigation, apparently he isn’t content to just open one; Barr is opening another investigation into the Obama administration.
“What I think everyone, every single American citizen, wants to know is something very simple,” Barr told reporters coming back from his lunch break today, “and that’s whether or not the previous presidential administration did anything to force the current president to be a duplicitous, lifelong conman and racist idiot. I will not rest until these questions are answered.”
Barr reiterated that the Mueller Report, which he still has not released, “completely and totally exonerates” Trump on the issue of obstruction of justice. However, it doesn’t get into whether or not Barack Obama held a gun to Trump’s head and turned him into a lying, double-dealing, corrupt, senile old bastard. That, Barr said, is “of utmost concern” to the security of the nation.
There’s no way of knowing how long Obama might have been forcing Trump to be a “literal racist fucking moron.” Obviously, Barr argues, it’s Obama’s fault that there are things about President Trump that are “repugnant and repulsive beyond what Mueller could have ever reported on.” Barr knows “deep in [his] heart,” that Trump is innocent of charges of obstruction of justice, but he reiterated that the American public cannot see the report that completely exonerates Trump because “it’s almost too exonerate-y.”
“We know for a fact that Obama personally spied on the president with the microwaves he had installed in the White House before handing over the keys,” Barr told reporters. “What I want to know is if he did something earlier, like decades earlier, that made Trump a vile, contemptible piece of human garbage.”
AG Barr says there is a “clear and simple” reason he has to investigate Obama.
“Everyone knows Obama is the cause of literally everything that’s wrong in America, and frankly the planet,” Barr said. “So no we’re going to get to the bottom of just how much sway he had on Trump’s ability to not be a human racist diatribe in an over sized winter coat.”
Ultimately, Barr says there are “just too many unanswered questions” about how Obama treated Trump for him to simply ignore them.
“Did Obama personally force President Trump to say gross things about his daughter? Did Obama personally put a gun to Trump’s head and force him to be a tax dodging liar,” Barr asked rhetorically. “If it wasn’t Obama, we know it was prolly George Soros or the Clintons, or even the ghost of Saul Alinsky.”
Barr brushed aside questions about whether he was wasting taxpayer money investigating a conspiracy theory.
“Excuse me?! Did you not pay attention to the Benghazi hearings? Republicans absolutely love wasting money investigating conspiracy theories,” Barr said. “Money is no object. Now, real conspiracies to cover up presidential crimes? That’s something Republicans will ignore until, well, forever, really.”
This is a developing story.
Humor/Satire
Jesus Christ Has A Message For His Followers Who Vote For Trump: Fuck You
by James Schlarmann - The Political Garbage Chute
August 9, 2019
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., is unmistakably upset with those who consider themselves disciples of his teachings and still vote for Donald Trump in next year’s presidential election.
At a heavenly press conference early Friday morning, Christ lambasted people who call themselves Christians but still support Trump. He said that normally he doesn’t “get involved in earthly politics” because he has “way more important shit to do.” But events of the last three years have seen a rise in people who act and think like Trump, and Christ says he’s seen “way too many” people supporting Trump under the guise of protecting Christian values.
Jesus said he had a special message for those kinds of voters.
“If you read my teachings,” Christ said, “and genuinely think I’d support a guy like Trump, you’re high. And also — fuck you.”
Christ admitted that his message “might come off a little harsh” but he said that Trump was such “an incredibly stupid choice for a Christian” that he had to be as blunt as he possibly could.
“He’s nothing like what I said followers of mine should be,” Christ railed, asking, “Where’s the agape love? Where’s the treating your neighbor — you know, like those who live across your southern border — like you’d want to be treated?”
Jesus even said that Trump’s boastfulness about not paying taxes irked him.
“What happened to paying to Caesar what you owe Caesar,” Jesus asked incredulously.
Mr. Christ also pointed out that Christian conservatives were turning a blind eye to Trump’s disdain for marriage vows. That hypocrisy was “rich,” according Jesus.
“Not that I care,” Jesus said, “because in my day marriage was a legal contract used to join households and assets, but if you claim to want to defend traditional marriage, you’re fucking it up by supporting the guy whose dick has been in more places it shouldn’t have been than a cat burglar on a crime spree. I literally cannot think of a single, solitary, less Christian man than Donald Trump, and I’m Facebook friends with Satan for fuck’s sake.”
On the subject of leading figures in the religious right, Jesus was skeptical, to say the least, of their credentials.
“Charlatans like Phil Graham are the kinds of fake Christian pharisees I warned you about in the New Testament,” Jesus said, adding that if Graham “tells you water is wet, take a damn shower and check for yourself.”
Ultimately, Christ says people should vote how they want to, he just wants them to “do it for honest reasons.”
“You can vote for whomever you want,” Christ said, “Contrary to what a lot of so-called Christians down there think, Dad and I gave you guys free will for a reason. We like seeing you guys use it. Freedom is fun. And you can vote for Trump if you want to, really.”
Sipping from a glass of water at the podium that he later turned into wine, Jesus continued, “I wouldn’t, though. Know why? BECAUSE HE’S NOTHING FUCKING LIKE THE PEOPLE I SAY YOU SHOULD BE. THAT’S WHY.”
“So vote for him, if you want, just don’t do it while professing to defend Christian values,” Christ continued, “because he doesn’t give a shit about the poor, doesn’t love his neighbor, and treats women like garbage. Be honest with yourselves and admit you want him to win because you either are scared of brown skinned people or you just don’t like Democrats so much you’re willing to trade in your morals for a chance to win the White House.”
At a heavenly press conference early Friday morning, Christ lambasted people who call themselves Christians but still support Trump. He said that normally he doesn’t “get involved in earthly politics” because he has “way more important shit to do.” But events of the last three years have seen a rise in people who act and think like Trump, and Christ says he’s seen “way too many” people supporting Trump under the guise of protecting Christian values.
Jesus said he had a special message for those kinds of voters.
“If you read my teachings,” Christ said, “and genuinely think I’d support a guy like Trump, you’re high. And also — fuck you.”
Christ admitted that his message “might come off a little harsh” but he said that Trump was such “an incredibly stupid choice for a Christian” that he had to be as blunt as he possibly could.
“He’s nothing like what I said followers of mine should be,” Christ railed, asking, “Where’s the agape love? Where’s the treating your neighbor — you know, like those who live across your southern border — like you’d want to be treated?”
Jesus even said that Trump’s boastfulness about not paying taxes irked him.
“What happened to paying to Caesar what you owe Caesar,” Jesus asked incredulously.
Mr. Christ also pointed out that Christian conservatives were turning a blind eye to Trump’s disdain for marriage vows. That hypocrisy was “rich,” according Jesus.
“Not that I care,” Jesus said, “because in my day marriage was a legal contract used to join households and assets, but if you claim to want to defend traditional marriage, you’re fucking it up by supporting the guy whose dick has been in more places it shouldn’t have been than a cat burglar on a crime spree. I literally cannot think of a single, solitary, less Christian man than Donald Trump, and I’m Facebook friends with Satan for fuck’s sake.”
On the subject of leading figures in the religious right, Jesus was skeptical, to say the least, of their credentials.
“Charlatans like Phil Graham are the kinds of fake Christian pharisees I warned you about in the New Testament,” Jesus said, adding that if Graham “tells you water is wet, take a damn shower and check for yourself.”
Ultimately, Christ says people should vote how they want to, he just wants them to “do it for honest reasons.”
“You can vote for whomever you want,” Christ said, “Contrary to what a lot of so-called Christians down there think, Dad and I gave you guys free will for a reason. We like seeing you guys use it. Freedom is fun. And you can vote for Trump if you want to, really.”
Sipping from a glass of water at the podium that he later turned into wine, Jesus continued, “I wouldn’t, though. Know why? BECAUSE HE’S NOTHING FUCKING LIKE THE PEOPLE I SAY YOU SHOULD BE. THAT’S WHY.”
“So vote for him, if you want, just don’t do it while professing to defend Christian values,” Christ continued, “because he doesn’t give a shit about the poor, doesn’t love his neighbor, and treats women like garbage. Be honest with yourselves and admit you want him to win because you either are scared of brown skinned people or you just don’t like Democrats so much you’re willing to trade in your morals for a chance to win the White House.”
Dedicated to the stupid motherfuckers who believe both parties are the same
David Bernhardt Denies Business Interests Influenced Yellowstone’s Name Change To Frito Lay Presents Doritos Flamin’ Hot Nacho National Park
the onion
4/26/19
WASHINGTON—Accusing the media of reading too far into the many signs featuring the flavored tortilla chips that are now installed in the park, acting United States secretary of the interior David Bernhardt categorically denied that business interests had influenced Yellowstone National Park’s name change to Frito Lay Presents Doritos Flamin’ Hot Nacho National Park. “I guarantee that as the head of all national parks in this country, no amount of personal donations went into the newly renamed Jacked Ranch Dipped Hot Wings Geyser or Kickin’ Spicy White Cheddar Cheese Trail Supreme,” said Bernhardt, emphasizing that those names were in the works far before he took the position, and that many of the park’s most famous natural features, including the Mountain Dew Code Red River, had borne their traditional names for decades. “This was an interdepartmental decision made with total separation from any concern for corporate consideration in good faith by the Senate Frito-Lay Subcommittee and the U.S. Department of Snacking on Public Lands. If anyone has any further problems, they can feel free to take it up with Yellowstone’s new park superintendent [PepsiCo vice president for marketing and branding] Todd Kaplan.” In addition to questions of corporate influence, Bernhardt has come under fire recently for neglecting public safety after a Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo gored two hikers.
Study: Most Innocent People Need to Hire Thirty-Five Lawyers at Some Point
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Most people who are innocent of any crimes will still need to hire thirty-five lawyers at some point, a new study shows.
According to the study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Law School, thirty-five is the “bare minimum” number of lawyers that an innocent person should have on retainer in the event that he or she becomes the subject of an entirely unjustified criminal investigation.
“We found that many innocent people are going through life without taking the basic precaution of hiring thirty-five lawyers,” Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “They are flirting with disaster.”
“An innocent person who has absolutely nothing to hide should do everything in his or her power to avoid answering questions from investigators,” he said. “Thirty-five lawyers can really help you do that.”
Additionally, Logsdon noted, hiring nearly three dozen lawyers is invaluable because of the powerful statement it makes. “Nothing says ‘I’m innocent’ like hiring thirty-five lawyers,” he said.
Although some innocent people may balk at the unwieldy number of lawyers that the study recommends, Logsdon emphasized that thirty-five lawyers provide necessary protection against unforeseen legal complications. “If, for example, one of your lawyers goes to prison, you will still have thirty-four,” he said.
Logsdon acknowledged that, although every innocent person should definitely hire thirty-five lawyers, such legal help does not come cheap. “Legal bills for thirty-five lawyers can be very expensive, unless you’re a person who doesn’t pay his bills,” he said.
According to the study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Law School, thirty-five is the “bare minimum” number of lawyers that an innocent person should have on retainer in the event that he or she becomes the subject of an entirely unjustified criminal investigation.
“We found that many innocent people are going through life without taking the basic precaution of hiring thirty-five lawyers,” Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “They are flirting with disaster.”
“An innocent person who has absolutely nothing to hide should do everything in his or her power to avoid answering questions from investigators,” he said. “Thirty-five lawyers can really help you do that.”
Additionally, Logsdon noted, hiring nearly three dozen lawyers is invaluable because of the powerful statement it makes. “Nothing says ‘I’m innocent’ like hiring thirty-five lawyers,” he said.
Although some innocent people may balk at the unwieldy number of lawyers that the study recommends, Logsdon emphasized that thirty-five lawyers provide necessary protection against unforeseen legal complications. “If, for example, one of your lawyers goes to prison, you will still have thirty-four,” he said.
Logsdon acknowledged that, although every innocent person should definitely hire thirty-five lawyers, such legal help does not come cheap. “Legal bills for thirty-five lawyers can be very expensive, unless you’re a person who doesn’t pay his bills,” he said.
Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents
the onion
WASHINGTON—Strutting into the Capitol like she had some kind of electoral mandate, presumptuous congressional freshman Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (D-FL) thought Thursday that she could just come in and start representing her constituents. “I’m sorry, big shot, but that’s just not the way things work around here,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, explaining that the Florida representative needed to spend at least her first three terms memorizing obscure parliamentary procedures, sucking up to party leaders, and groveling to corporate donors before she could even consider drafting a law benefiting her home district. “She can’t just waltz in here with a list of demands from her constituents and do something about it. Christ, the fucking gall, thinking she can just represent the beliefs and desires of the people who elected her. She’s out there holding town halls and tweeting about healthcare—who the hell does she think she is? Here’s some advice, Debbie: Wait until you’re a cynical, shallow husk of yourself, and only then will you be ready to properly govern. Otherwise, you keep your head down, you vote for what we put in front of you, and you fundraise.” Hoyer, who grew visibly agitated, recommended that the novice lawmaker quit rabble-rousing and get back to him when she’s 75 and a millionaire.
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Nation Wonders How Much More Fucking Evidence Mueller Needs Exactly
By the Burrard Street Journal
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
After over a year of accumulating what many assume to be the most damning evidence ever against a sitting U.S. President, Americans today collectively wondered “how much more fucking evidence Robert Mueller needs exactly?”
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
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Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
May 24, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
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humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
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FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
