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july 27, 2020
Fauci Pronounces Trump ‘Dead From the Neck-Up’
BY JAMES SCHLARMANN - political garbage chute
JULY 13, 2020
Fauci’s pronouncement marks a new point in his relationship with President Donald Trump, having been thrust into the spotlight and national discourse as part of the coronavirus pandemic response team. For weeks, Americans got used to seeing Fauci deliver the cold, hard, scientific information about COVID-19, while also giving the public some peace of mind and comfort, which seemed to elude the capabilities of nearly anyone else within the Trump administration. However, Fauci has been notably and noticeably absent from the briefings, which in and of themselves have grown more infrequent as the White House tries to pivot to a more positive message for the general election later this fall.
“It’s my sad duty to inform you that President Donald Trump is dead from the neck-up,” Fauci told reporters. “I have come to this conclusion after spending long, and frankly exhaustive hours working with and near President Trump. I can confirm without any doubt that his brain is what most of us could only recognize as dead.”
Fauci explained that “like other zombies,” however, just because Trump’s brain is dead, that doesn’t mean he has ceased functioning in “some ways that look almost human.”
“You’ll notice his stilted gait, for example, particularly when walking down gentle declines and ramps,” Fauci explained, “and spending just a few precious minutes listening to the words spewing, slurring, and exploding out of his puckered a-hole of a mouth are just further proof of what I’m telling you right here, and right now. Namely, that the president is brain dead.”
Despite being able to tell that Trump’s brain is not functioning normally, however, Fauci stopped short of making too many more pronouncements.
“Is he a brain dead moron? Perhaps, I can’t say. I’m not qualified to diagnose someone clinically as a moron. Is he racist and brain dead, though,” Fauci asked himself rhetorically. “I think the evidence more than speaks for itself, don’t you? I’m just saying that we saw this dude stare at the sun during an eclipse, so this is not some groundbreaking revelation we’re discussing here.”
Several outlets have reported that the president has grown wary of Fauci and that the White House has begun an attempt to discredit him. While it’s unclear why the administration would want to damage the reputation of a man they claimed just months ago was one of the country’s most important and informed sources of information on counsel on the pandemic, the tensions between Fauci and Trump’s ego could not be any clearer as of late.
The White House is making a concerted effort to discredit Dr. Anthony Fauci as he becomes increasingly vocal about his concerns over reopening the country amid a national surge in coronavirus cases. The moves to undercut Fauci come just days after he gave an unvarnished look at his relationship with President Donald Trump, including that they have not spoken in weeks.
The tension between the two men — who are no longer speaking, CNN reported last week — has grown publicly as they have responded to one another through interviews and statements. But recent moves by the White House to publicly diminish the nation’s top infectious disease expert amounts to a significant escalation as it seeks to divert attention from the government’s failure to contain the coronavirus and instead push Trump’s call to reopen the country. That effort continued Monday morning, when the President retweeted a baseless claim by game show host Chuck Woolery that “everyone is lying” about the coronavirus — including the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (CNN)
Dr. Fauci urged Americans not to view his statements as political, however. He insisted that his announcement of Trump’s brain death was “purely scientific and for the purposes of keeping the public informed.” Fauci said he has no desire to get involved in political fights.
“Maybe to some, everything is political. I personally wouldn’t want a leader who is more concerned about their career than my health and safety,” Fauci said, “but you do you, know what I mean? Some people just want to be told what they want to hear, and nothing else. Some people who are like that end up president, but all I can tell you is, with great certainty, that the man we are speaking in particular detail about now? He’s one of those guys, and he’s also got a bladder full of farts and conspiracy theories he calls a brain. That’s all I’m saying.”
“It’s my sad duty to inform you that President Donald Trump is dead from the neck-up,” Fauci told reporters. “I have come to this conclusion after spending long, and frankly exhaustive hours working with and near President Trump. I can confirm without any doubt that his brain is what most of us could only recognize as dead.”
Fauci explained that “like other zombies,” however, just because Trump’s brain is dead, that doesn’t mean he has ceased functioning in “some ways that look almost human.”
“You’ll notice his stilted gait, for example, particularly when walking down gentle declines and ramps,” Fauci explained, “and spending just a few precious minutes listening to the words spewing, slurring, and exploding out of his puckered a-hole of a mouth are just further proof of what I’m telling you right here, and right now. Namely, that the president is brain dead.”
Despite being able to tell that Trump’s brain is not functioning normally, however, Fauci stopped short of making too many more pronouncements.
“Is he a brain dead moron? Perhaps, I can’t say. I’m not qualified to diagnose someone clinically as a moron. Is he racist and brain dead, though,” Fauci asked himself rhetorically. “I think the evidence more than speaks for itself, don’t you? I’m just saying that we saw this dude stare at the sun during an eclipse, so this is not some groundbreaking revelation we’re discussing here.”
Several outlets have reported that the president has grown wary of Fauci and that the White House has begun an attempt to discredit him. While it’s unclear why the administration would want to damage the reputation of a man they claimed just months ago was one of the country’s most important and informed sources of information on counsel on the pandemic, the tensions between Fauci and Trump’s ego could not be any clearer as of late.
The White House is making a concerted effort to discredit Dr. Anthony Fauci as he becomes increasingly vocal about his concerns over reopening the country amid a national surge in coronavirus cases. The moves to undercut Fauci come just days after he gave an unvarnished look at his relationship with President Donald Trump, including that they have not spoken in weeks.
The tension between the two men — who are no longer speaking, CNN reported last week — has grown publicly as they have responded to one another through interviews and statements. But recent moves by the White House to publicly diminish the nation’s top infectious disease expert amounts to a significant escalation as it seeks to divert attention from the government’s failure to contain the coronavirus and instead push Trump’s call to reopen the country. That effort continued Monday morning, when the President retweeted a baseless claim by game show host Chuck Woolery that “everyone is lying” about the coronavirus — including the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (CNN)
Dr. Fauci urged Americans not to view his statements as political, however. He insisted that his announcement of Trump’s brain death was “purely scientific and for the purposes of keeping the public informed.” Fauci said he has no desire to get involved in political fights.
“Maybe to some, everything is political. I personally wouldn’t want a leader who is more concerned about their career than my health and safety,” Fauci said, “but you do you, know what I mean? Some people just want to be told what they want to hear, and nothing else. Some people who are like that end up president, but all I can tell you is, with great certainty, that the man we are speaking in particular detail about now? He’s one of those guys, and he’s also got a bladder full of farts and conspiracy theories he calls a brain. That’s all I’m saying.”
SATIRE/HUMOR
Louie Gohmert Dragged Away By Masked Millennials After Saying “Antifa” 3 Times Into Bathroom Mirror
BY JAMES SCHLARMANN - the political garbage chute
JUNE 26, 2020
VALLE DE MORMÓN RACISTACALVO, TEXAS — According to those with firsthand knowledge of the situation, authorities are still desperately searching for a congressman who apparently was kidnapped by a gang of masked millennials identifying as members of a local Antifa franchise. While George Soros, known also as Emperor Antifa has not officially released a statement claiming responsibility for the incident, it’s believed that Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-The Confederacy) may have mistakenly said an ancient incantation that allows Antifa soldiers to appear anywhere they wish, and was dragged out of his bathroom kicking and screaming by five millennials clad in all black, bearing the corporate logo of Antifa on their right shoulders.
“What in the holy heckfire are we gonna do about these violent hooligan millennial Antifa,” Gohmert asked himself rhetorically. “They’re making life really difficult on the violent thugs I prefer…the white skinned ones who carry semi automatic rifles into government buildings to terrorize governors who ask them to wear face masks. PATRIOTS, in other words.”
That’s when Gohmert started to reflexively rub his shin and his mostly bald head, doing something as close to thinking as the Texas Republican could ever be mistaken for doing.
“These sonsofbitches are knocking down monuments to people I happen to like,” Gohmert continued. “Sure, they’re monuments to people who were Democrats, and I like to point out those Democrats started the KKK my dear ol’ grandpappy joined, but that’s not the point! I wanna defend them now, and still insist that we represent Abraham Lincoln’s party still!”
Gohmert pulled out his toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste he bought while listening to Alex Jones’ show. The toothpaste is made from 100% chemtrail blocking ingredients and is fluoride-free. Squeezing the paste from the aluminum foil-wrapped tube, Gohmert continued to ponder the situation.
“These thugs ain’t like the good, clean, white, ammo hoarding, God fearing, tiki torch carrying patriots we know are just lovers of freedom and equality for most everyone as long as they’re not dark skinned,” Gohmert mused. “These are the worst of the worst! We must stop them! They’re anti-fascism! How in the holy living gollygosh dohickey darn heckfire are we gonna get our Dear President’s agenda through if everyone’s all of a sudden anti-fascist?!”
Ordinarily, Gohmert would simply rub his body with confederate currency and wrap himself in the confederate flag to soothe himself. However, sources say he was simply too worked up for even those kinds of measures. Instead, Gohmert just stood there, terrified about what he knows is the biggest threat to American safety in a generation.
“They’re demonic! I just know they’re Marxist demons. They probably have dark powers,” Gohmert wondered aloud. “What are gonna do about Antifa? Antifa…Antifa…”
Suddenly, a distant crackling sound could be heard, and without any warning, five masked millennials appeared behind Gohmert and dragged him out of the bathroom.
“WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING – ” Gohmert started to say, but it was too late.
It’s unclear where the Antifa millennials have taken Gohmert. Authorities in Texas are combing all the toilets he usually hangs out with all his fellow turds in. If and when he’s located, this story will be updated.
“What in the holy heckfire are we gonna do about these violent hooligan millennial Antifa,” Gohmert asked himself rhetorically. “They’re making life really difficult on the violent thugs I prefer…the white skinned ones who carry semi automatic rifles into government buildings to terrorize governors who ask them to wear face masks. PATRIOTS, in other words.”
That’s when Gohmert started to reflexively rub his shin and his mostly bald head, doing something as close to thinking as the Texas Republican could ever be mistaken for doing.
“These sonsofbitches are knocking down monuments to people I happen to like,” Gohmert continued. “Sure, they’re monuments to people who were Democrats, and I like to point out those Democrats started the KKK my dear ol’ grandpappy joined, but that’s not the point! I wanna defend them now, and still insist that we represent Abraham Lincoln’s party still!”
Gohmert pulled out his toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste he bought while listening to Alex Jones’ show. The toothpaste is made from 100% chemtrail blocking ingredients and is fluoride-free. Squeezing the paste from the aluminum foil-wrapped tube, Gohmert continued to ponder the situation.
“These thugs ain’t like the good, clean, white, ammo hoarding, God fearing, tiki torch carrying patriots we know are just lovers of freedom and equality for most everyone as long as they’re not dark skinned,” Gohmert mused. “These are the worst of the worst! We must stop them! They’re anti-fascism! How in the holy living gollygosh dohickey darn heckfire are we gonna get our Dear President’s agenda through if everyone’s all of a sudden anti-fascist?!”
Ordinarily, Gohmert would simply rub his body with confederate currency and wrap himself in the confederate flag to soothe himself. However, sources say he was simply too worked up for even those kinds of measures. Instead, Gohmert just stood there, terrified about what he knows is the biggest threat to American safety in a generation.
“They’re demonic! I just know they’re Marxist demons. They probably have dark powers,” Gohmert wondered aloud. “What are gonna do about Antifa? Antifa…Antifa…”
Suddenly, a distant crackling sound could be heard, and without any warning, five masked millennials appeared behind Gohmert and dragged him out of the bathroom.
“WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING – ” Gohmert started to say, but it was too late.
It’s unclear where the Antifa millennials have taken Gohmert. Authorities in Texas are combing all the toilets he usually hangs out with all his fellow turds in. If and when he’s located, this story will be updated.
ISIS Trying to Recruit “Top American Killer” President Donald Trump
BY JAMES SCHLARMANN - POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
JUNE 25, 2020
When America was attacked on September 11th, 2001, planes were hijacked and flown into the World Trade Center in New York, as well as into the Pentagon. The Al Qaeda linked hijackers also took over a plane that was reportedly headed to another D.C.-area target before it was brought down in a field in Pennsylvania. The best estimates for the death toll on that infamous day put the number at just about 3,000 Americans who perished on that day.
As of the time of publication, COVID-19 has killed an estimated 124,000 Americans. That’s a death count roughly 41 times that of 9/11. To put it in more perspective, in World War I, about 53,000 American soldiers perished. The COVID-19 death count has already surpassed the number of Americans who have died in every American war since the Korean War, combined.
In a related and extremely unprecedented development, the terrorist organization known as ISIS has reportedly sent a recruitment letter to the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. In the letter, ISIS leadership cites the American COVID-19 death toll as their main motivating factor in deciding to offer Trump a spot on their team. Though receipt of ISIS’ employment offer hasn’t been confirmed officially by the administration, sources close to the situation say the president is “bigly honored” and “giving the offer lots of consideration.”
“I don’t want to get ahead of the president,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters as she came into work today, “but suffice to say that Donald Trump is always pleased when he’s the center of attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s a profile on Fox News, or a fawning letter from an autocratic dictator he wants to build a hotel in, or a terrorist organization like ISIS or Focus on the Family. This president loves attention, and he’s grateful for every bit of it he can get.”
ISIS’ recruitment offer to the president, is reprinted below.
President Donald J. Trump,
It is our honor and privilege to contact you today, and we hope that this letter finds you well, and in the best of pussy-grabbing spirits! The purpose of this letter is to offer you a position within our terrorist organization. As you know, one of our stated mission goals is to eradicate the west, and one of the ways we hope achieve our goals is to kill as many Americans as possible, which is where you come in.
Despite all our best efforts, ISIS has yet to kill Americans on the scale that your laziness, ineptitude, and apathy have. Frankly, Mr. President, if we could add the Top American Killer to our ranks, it would be quite a boost to our morale. Even our friends in Al Qaeda have never been able to pull off killing quite so many Americans as you have. Kudos, sir, kudos!
In order to entice you to join our ranks, we would like to simply point out the following:
We very much so look forward to your reply. Please let us know if there are any more accommodations we can offer to entice you to join our team!
Warmest Disregards for American Life,
ISIS
P.S. Gassing your own people for a photo-op? *Chef’s kiss*
Details will be added and this story will be updated as it develops.
As of the time of publication, COVID-19 has killed an estimated 124,000 Americans. That’s a death count roughly 41 times that of 9/11. To put it in more perspective, in World War I, about 53,000 American soldiers perished. The COVID-19 death count has already surpassed the number of Americans who have died in every American war since the Korean War, combined.
In a related and extremely unprecedented development, the terrorist organization known as ISIS has reportedly sent a recruitment letter to the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. In the letter, ISIS leadership cites the American COVID-19 death toll as their main motivating factor in deciding to offer Trump a spot on their team. Though receipt of ISIS’ employment offer hasn’t been confirmed officially by the administration, sources close to the situation say the president is “bigly honored” and “giving the offer lots of consideration.”
“I don’t want to get ahead of the president,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters as she came into work today, “but suffice to say that Donald Trump is always pleased when he’s the center of attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s a profile on Fox News, or a fawning letter from an autocratic dictator he wants to build a hotel in, or a terrorist organization like ISIS or Focus on the Family. This president loves attention, and he’s grateful for every bit of it he can get.”
ISIS’ recruitment offer to the president, is reprinted below.
President Donald J. Trump,
It is our honor and privilege to contact you today, and we hope that this letter finds you well, and in the best of pussy-grabbing spirits! The purpose of this letter is to offer you a position within our terrorist organization. As you know, one of our stated mission goals is to eradicate the west, and one of the ways we hope achieve our goals is to kill as many Americans as possible, which is where you come in.
Despite all our best efforts, ISIS has yet to kill Americans on the scale that your laziness, ineptitude, and apathy have. Frankly, Mr. President, if we could add the Top American Killer to our ranks, it would be quite a boost to our morale. Even our friends in Al Qaeda have never been able to pull off killing quite so many Americans as you have. Kudos, sir, kudos!
In order to entice you to join our ranks, we would like to simply point out the following:
- Sexual relationships between men and women they are decades older than are encouraged.
- You can bring your Vice President along because all of us share a common value in devaluing women.
- Putting your stupid, corrupt, and morally bankrupt children into positions of power is very much so encouraged in our organization.
We very much so look forward to your reply. Please let us know if there are any more accommodations we can offer to entice you to join our team!
Warmest Disregards for American Life,
ISIS
P.S. Gassing your own people for a photo-op? *Chef’s kiss*
Details will be added and this story will be updated as it develops.
Dedicated to the stupid motherfuckers who believe both parties are the same
Nation Wonders How Much More Fucking Evidence Mueller Needs Exactly
By the Burrard Street Journal
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
After over a year of accumulating what many assume to be the most damning evidence ever against a sitting U.S. President, Americans today collectively wondered “how much more fucking evidence Robert Mueller needs exactly?”
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
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Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
May 24, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
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humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
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FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
