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reality funnies
oct 6, 2020
She Wants to “Save The Children,” Just Not the Ones in Trump’s Concentration Camps
BY JAMES SCHLARMANN - political garbage shute
AUGUST 17, 2020
BLANCA SUPREMA, NEVADA — 37-year-old mother of three Gwendolyn Howser in some regards sees herself as “everyone’s mama.”
Howser told us during a recent interview, conducted via Skype, that she has been quite heavily promoting and sharing the hashtag #SaveTheChildren, because of her love of children. Gwendolyn, Gwen to her friends, volunteers at her kids’ schools and works with the scout troops quite closely. If there is a subject related to children, Howser says she feels “an obligation and moral responsibility” to do everything she can to help the kids come out on top.
“I just think it was really necessary for me to share that meme about that little white boy who got killed by that black guy,” Howser explained, “even though the boy’s killer was arrested the very next day and the justice system worked perfectly for him. Sure, it takes attention away from the Black Lives Matter movement, and the cops who killed Breona Taylor are still free, but she’s not a kid, so I can’t get involved there.”
Howser has also been sharing memes about a pedophile ring operated by some of Hollywood’s elite and other extremely rich people, who all happen to be outspoken progressives. She says it “really hurt” her to share the memes about actor Tom Hanks, but that “when it comes to kids there are no exceptions” in her mind.
“Even if there isn’t any evidence to back up the claims made in the memes,” Gwen said, “just getting the message out there is important. But, sure, I also believe that they’re all in cahoots and just hiding evidence anyway, so I’m gonna keep sharing those memes until all the kids are safe! I’d do it with any memes for any kids.”
Even the children detained in border camps, put there when the Trump administration separated them from their parents, we asked her?
“Oh. God. Fuck no! Why would I care about non-citizen babies,” Gwen asked incredulously. “I’m sorry, but laws are laws, and as a law and order conservative, those babies should have thought twice about letting their parents take them here illegally. Period.”
Even if there weren’t laws that were violated that resulted in the family separations at the border, Gwen isn’t so sure that she’d be able to care about them.
Howser told us during a recent interview, conducted via Skype, that she has been quite heavily promoting and sharing the hashtag #SaveTheChildren, because of her love of children. Gwendolyn, Gwen to her friends, volunteers at her kids’ schools and works with the scout troops quite closely. If there is a subject related to children, Howser says she feels “an obligation and moral responsibility” to do everything she can to help the kids come out on top.
“I just think it was really necessary for me to share that meme about that little white boy who got killed by that black guy,” Howser explained, “even though the boy’s killer was arrested the very next day and the justice system worked perfectly for him. Sure, it takes attention away from the Black Lives Matter movement, and the cops who killed Breona Taylor are still free, but she’s not a kid, so I can’t get involved there.”
Howser has also been sharing memes about a pedophile ring operated by some of Hollywood’s elite and other extremely rich people, who all happen to be outspoken progressives. She says it “really hurt” her to share the memes about actor Tom Hanks, but that “when it comes to kids there are no exceptions” in her mind.
“Even if there isn’t any evidence to back up the claims made in the memes,” Gwen said, “just getting the message out there is important. But, sure, I also believe that they’re all in cahoots and just hiding evidence anyway, so I’m gonna keep sharing those memes until all the kids are safe! I’d do it with any memes for any kids.”
Even the children detained in border camps, put there when the Trump administration separated them from their parents, we asked her?
“Oh. God. Fuck no! Why would I care about non-citizen babies,” Gwen asked incredulously. “I’m sorry, but laws are laws, and as a law and order conservative, those babies should have thought twice about letting their parents take them here illegally. Period.”
Even if there weren’t laws that were violated that resulted in the family separations at the border, Gwen isn’t so sure that she’d be able to care about them.
SATIRE/HUMOR
Palpatine Defends Dismantling Republic Postal Service Less Than Three Months Before Galactic Election
BY JAMES SCHLARMANN - the political garbage chute
aug 17, 2020
CORUSCANT — Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is defending this decision to largely dismantle the Republic Postal Service, just months away from what many consider to be the most important galactic election in more than a generation.
“The fact of the matter is that Separatists and Never-Palpers can infiltrate our Republic Postal Service and greatly corrupt our elections,” Palpatine told Sith & Friends this morning. “Because I have my emergency powers still, thanks to Senator Binks, it is fully within those powers to wipe out the Republic post offices…all of them.”
Palpatine said his advisers had found some weak points in the postal service’s data network, and he didn’t want them exploited.
“The one thing everyone knows about ol’ Sheev Palpatine is that he doesn’t let anyone take advantage of lesser-known or hidden weak points, ever,” Palpatine said with a smug grin. “I also have a sort of sixth sense, if you will, for these things, and tend to be able to foresee all that happens, and my premonitions tell me our Grand Republic will be attacked via universal mail-in voting. I cannot sit back and do nothing, not as Supreme Chancellor.”
Chancellor Palpatine also warned Republic citizens to be “on the lookout for AntiSith agitators” who are trying to cause chaos and “perhaps even a pitiful little rebellion.” If they see anything suspicious, Palpatine urges citizens to report it to their local clone trooper outpost. Only through “strong vigilance and bigly observation,” Palpatine said, can the galaxy stay safe and secure.
“Do not let these AntiSith anarchists fool you. I am the ultimate power in the universe,” Palpatine said, “and I am not afraid to use it to keep our galaxy safe from AntiSiths!”
The chancellor does have plenty of critics, and perhaps predictably, they’ve made statements to the Republic press condemning Palpatine’s actions in regard to the postal service.
“This is a blatant attempt to suppress the outer rim vote,” Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan told reporters. “As someone with friends on Tatooine, Dantooine, and even Jakku, I find this plan repugnant, even though it’s quite par for the course with Palpatine. I’ve never trusted him, and I wouldn’t put it past him to try some other, much more nefarious things as this war drags on.”
Jedi Council member Master Yoda also weighed-in on the dismantling of the postal service.
“Unprecedented and dangerous, this is! Undemocratic and fascistic, it is,” Yoda warned. “Always in motion, the future is, but this feels like blatant, naked voter suppression, and quite disturbing it is.”
Yoda stopped short, however, of saying he believed Palpatine was up to anything nefarious or evil.
“A bit of an extreme, that is, to assume Chancellor Palpatine has evil intentions,” Yoda shrugged. “He seems like a decent enough guy, maybe a bad day, he’s having? Give him the benefit of the doubt, we probably should. The worst that could happen, what is it?”
Palpatine will face Mon Mothma of Chandrila in this fall’s election. Polls currently show Mothma with a lead overall, but with months left before the election, there’s still more than enough time for Palpatine to make that ground up.
“Just be grateful I’m still pretending to let you vote,” Palpatine said. “Remember, I have enormous powers, and I am not afraid to use them, and Attorney General Barrth Vader says I can do whatever I want, anyway.”
“The fact of the matter is that Separatists and Never-Palpers can infiltrate our Republic Postal Service and greatly corrupt our elections,” Palpatine told Sith & Friends this morning. “Because I have my emergency powers still, thanks to Senator Binks, it is fully within those powers to wipe out the Republic post offices…all of them.”
Palpatine said his advisers had found some weak points in the postal service’s data network, and he didn’t want them exploited.
“The one thing everyone knows about ol’ Sheev Palpatine is that he doesn’t let anyone take advantage of lesser-known or hidden weak points, ever,” Palpatine said with a smug grin. “I also have a sort of sixth sense, if you will, for these things, and tend to be able to foresee all that happens, and my premonitions tell me our Grand Republic will be attacked via universal mail-in voting. I cannot sit back and do nothing, not as Supreme Chancellor.”
Chancellor Palpatine also warned Republic citizens to be “on the lookout for AntiSith agitators” who are trying to cause chaos and “perhaps even a pitiful little rebellion.” If they see anything suspicious, Palpatine urges citizens to report it to their local clone trooper outpost. Only through “strong vigilance and bigly observation,” Palpatine said, can the galaxy stay safe and secure.
“Do not let these AntiSith anarchists fool you. I am the ultimate power in the universe,” Palpatine said, “and I am not afraid to use it to keep our galaxy safe from AntiSiths!”
The chancellor does have plenty of critics, and perhaps predictably, they’ve made statements to the Republic press condemning Palpatine’s actions in regard to the postal service.
“This is a blatant attempt to suppress the outer rim vote,” Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan told reporters. “As someone with friends on Tatooine, Dantooine, and even Jakku, I find this plan repugnant, even though it’s quite par for the course with Palpatine. I’ve never trusted him, and I wouldn’t put it past him to try some other, much more nefarious things as this war drags on.”
Jedi Council member Master Yoda also weighed-in on the dismantling of the postal service.
“Unprecedented and dangerous, this is! Undemocratic and fascistic, it is,” Yoda warned. “Always in motion, the future is, but this feels like blatant, naked voter suppression, and quite disturbing it is.”
Yoda stopped short, however, of saying he believed Palpatine was up to anything nefarious or evil.
“A bit of an extreme, that is, to assume Chancellor Palpatine has evil intentions,” Yoda shrugged. “He seems like a decent enough guy, maybe a bad day, he’s having? Give him the benefit of the doubt, we probably should. The worst that could happen, what is it?”
Palpatine will face Mon Mothma of Chandrila in this fall’s election. Polls currently show Mothma with a lead overall, but with months left before the election, there’s still more than enough time for Palpatine to make that ground up.
“Just be grateful I’m still pretending to let you vote,” Palpatine said. “Remember, I have enormous powers, and I am not afraid to use them, and Attorney General Barrth Vader says I can do whatever I want, anyway.”
ISIS Trying to Recruit “Top American Killer” President Donald Trump
BY JAMES SCHLARMANN - POLITICAL GARBAGE CHUTE
JUNE 25, 2020
When America was attacked on September 11th, 2001, planes were hijacked and flown into the World Trade Center in New York, as well as into the Pentagon. The Al Qaeda linked hijackers also took over a plane that was reportedly headed to another D.C.-area target before it was brought down in a field in Pennsylvania. The best estimates for the death toll on that infamous day put the number at just about 3,000 Americans who perished on that day.
As of the time of publication, COVID-19 has killed an estimated 124,000 Americans. That’s a death count roughly 41 times that of 9/11. To put it in more perspective, in World War I, about 53,000 American soldiers perished. The COVID-19 death count has already surpassed the number of Americans who have died in every American war since the Korean War, combined.
In a related and extremely unprecedented development, the terrorist organization known as ISIS has reportedly sent a recruitment letter to the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. In the letter, ISIS leadership cites the American COVID-19 death toll as their main motivating factor in deciding to offer Trump a spot on their team. Though receipt of ISIS’ employment offer hasn’t been confirmed officially by the administration, sources close to the situation say the president is “bigly honored” and “giving the offer lots of consideration.”
“I don’t want to get ahead of the president,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters as she came into work today, “but suffice to say that Donald Trump is always pleased when he’s the center of attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s a profile on Fox News, or a fawning letter from an autocratic dictator he wants to build a hotel in, or a terrorist organization like ISIS or Focus on the Family. This president loves attention, and he’s grateful for every bit of it he can get.”
ISIS’ recruitment offer to the president, is reprinted below.
President Donald J. Trump,
It is our honor and privilege to contact you today, and we hope that this letter finds you well, and in the best of pussy-grabbing spirits! The purpose of this letter is to offer you a position within our terrorist organization. As you know, one of our stated mission goals is to eradicate the west, and one of the ways we hope achieve our goals is to kill as many Americans as possible, which is where you come in.
Despite all our best efforts, ISIS has yet to kill Americans on the scale that your laziness, ineptitude, and apathy have. Frankly, Mr. President, if we could add the Top American Killer to our ranks, it would be quite a boost to our morale. Even our friends in Al Qaeda have never been able to pull off killing quite so many Americans as you have. Kudos, sir, kudos!
In order to entice you to join our ranks, we would like to simply point out the following:
We very much so look forward to your reply. Please let us know if there are any more accommodations we can offer to entice you to join our team!
Warmest Disregards for American Life,
ISIS
P.S. Gassing your own people for a photo-op? *Chef’s kiss*
Details will be added and this story will be updated as it develops.
As of the time of publication, COVID-19 has killed an estimated 124,000 Americans. That’s a death count roughly 41 times that of 9/11. To put it in more perspective, in World War I, about 53,000 American soldiers perished. The COVID-19 death count has already surpassed the number of Americans who have died in every American war since the Korean War, combined.
In a related and extremely unprecedented development, the terrorist organization known as ISIS has reportedly sent a recruitment letter to the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. In the letter, ISIS leadership cites the American COVID-19 death toll as their main motivating factor in deciding to offer Trump a spot on their team. Though receipt of ISIS’ employment offer hasn’t been confirmed officially by the administration, sources close to the situation say the president is “bigly honored” and “giving the offer lots of consideration.”
“I don’t want to get ahead of the president,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters as she came into work today, “but suffice to say that Donald Trump is always pleased when he’s the center of attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s a profile on Fox News, or a fawning letter from an autocratic dictator he wants to build a hotel in, or a terrorist organization like ISIS or Focus on the Family. This president loves attention, and he’s grateful for every bit of it he can get.”
ISIS’ recruitment offer to the president, is reprinted below.
President Donald J. Trump,
It is our honor and privilege to contact you today, and we hope that this letter finds you well, and in the best of pussy-grabbing spirits! The purpose of this letter is to offer you a position within our terrorist organization. As you know, one of our stated mission goals is to eradicate the west, and one of the ways we hope achieve our goals is to kill as many Americans as possible, which is where you come in.
Despite all our best efforts, ISIS has yet to kill Americans on the scale that your laziness, ineptitude, and apathy have. Frankly, Mr. President, if we could add the Top American Killer to our ranks, it would be quite a boost to our morale. Even our friends in Al Qaeda have never been able to pull off killing quite so many Americans as you have. Kudos, sir, kudos!
In order to entice you to join our ranks, we would like to simply point out the following:
- Sexual relationships between men and women they are decades older than are encouraged.
- You can bring your Vice President along because all of us share a common value in devaluing women.
- Putting your stupid, corrupt, and morally bankrupt children into positions of power is very much so encouraged in our organization.
We very much so look forward to your reply. Please let us know if there are any more accommodations we can offer to entice you to join our team!
Warmest Disregards for American Life,
ISIS
P.S. Gassing your own people for a photo-op? *Chef’s kiss*
Details will be added and this story will be updated as it develops.
Dedicated to the stupid motherfuckers who believe both parties are the same
Nation Wonders How Much More Fucking Evidence Mueller Needs Exactly
By the Burrard Street Journal
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
After over a year of accumulating what many assume to be the most damning evidence ever against a sitting U.S. President, Americans today collectively wondered “how much more fucking evidence Robert Mueller needs exactly?”
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
Accusations of using campaign finances to bribe porn stars, colluding with Russian officials, and promising favouritism to certain companies have led to 19 indictments and 5 guilty pleas thus far. Now the overwhelming majority of Americans want to know what Bob Mueller needs to see exactly before making a decision.
“How much more fucking evidence does the guy need?” the U.S. populace questioned, stating that surely Mueller must be ready to make an announcement one way or another at this stage. “Like seriously, is Trump guilty or what?”
“What is it gonna take, video evidence of Trump literally murdering someone?” the nation queried, “That could take months to happen.”
Even Trump himself has called for Mueller to announce his findings. “Come on Bobby, show me your cards, whaddya got?” the President tweeted, reiterating his confidence that Mueller couldn’t possibly have evidence of everything he’s done.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is currently wondering how much longer it should give America to sort its shit out before stepping in.
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Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
May 24, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
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humor: Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
By Andy Borowitz - the new yorker
April 9, 2018
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
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FAKE NEWS: GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, adding that party leaders made a promise to “take a stand against ordinary U.S. citizens,” before cracking open a bottle of champagne and proudly declaring that “today, we delivered.” “Of course, the fight against the people of this country is not yet over. We won this battle, but the war is still to come. However, if we carry on with the same vigor demonstrated today in our widely opposed tax overhaul, I know that we will prevail over Americans time and time again.” GOP leaders also expressed confidence that they would achieve another dominant victory over the American people as they push to close the deficit by cutting food stamp programs, Social Security, and Medicare.
fake news: Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class
From The Onion: WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the bloodletting!” said Ryan, holding up the lifeless body of the local blue-collar worker as blood from his severed arteries sprayed reporters gathered at the press conference. “Now we can finally experience the sweet release of all our pent-up hatred of the parasitic working class without fear of punishment or retribution. The blood of the filthy proletariat will flow in the streets, and the families of truck drivers, nurses, and retail employees all over the nation will know our wrath. No one making under $50,000 a year is safe. Today, the American economy will be put back on the right track, and the liquidation begins!” At press time, blood-drenched Republican senators Bob Corker and Lisa Murkowski were seen sprinting into a Baltimore Walmart wielding machetes.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap
Napoleon Bonaparte
Dumb as a Brick
Cartoon: Doctor Hand
By Tom Tomorrow
Monday Jul 10, 2017 · 7:01 AM PDT
stupid shit
Victim Blaming the Planet
A federal judge gets it wrong on the oil pipeline through the Dakotas.
By Khalil Bendib
DEPLORABLES are deplorable
THINGS BLACK VOTERS LIKE MORE THAN TRUMP: BEDBUGS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, MOSQUITOES, CARNIES
BY DEMO. UNDERGROUND
urban justice
Reasonable Force
The everyday assault on Blue Lives.
By Khalil Bendib
