Ah, Dear Citizens, these are troubling times for fearless leader, Trump. After a very successful meeting with handler, Vlad Putin, "comrade" Trump returned home to slanderous accusations that the one-on-one meeting was a national security fiasco. In addition, left - wing snowflakes even complained that the soccer ball Putin gave Trump was somehow "bugged"; they will stop at nothing to smear the man "making America great again".
Also, fearless Trump has once again saved American farmers, his prized constituency (suckers) from the great tariff wars by bribing them with $12 BILLION DOLLARS since they are now unable to sell their soybeans, pig feet, and other disgusting pig parts to the Chinese. Many farmers complained that the money was "socialism" and they did not want it. I guess farm subsidies for not growing food, price supports, and other USDA programs are bad also but they take them, HMMM. The Chinese are actually buying these products from shithole countries like Brazil.
In other news on the trade wars, the wimpy leader of the European Union came to the White House to discuss EU trade policy with Trump. The presentation was given on simplified color charts and diagrams which demonstrated, once again, how fearless leader likes to keep it simple.
The administration's "zero tolerance" program has reached a successful conclusion with the return of 700 plus children to their law-breaking parents seeking asylum in the U.S. A good sign that the program is working private prison are profiting millions in taxpayer dollars.
On the domestic front, Ohio representative and Trump supporter, Jim Jordan, is campaigning to become the next speaker. Jordan who is being sued for ignoring sexual assault complaints while coaching wrestling at Ohio State in the nineties has the full support of Trump and is leading an effort to impeach the traitor, deputy AG Rosenstein. Jordan promises to be a real standup guy as leader.
And finally, the "witch hunt" continues with former Trump lawyer, Michael Cohen, smearing our leader with claims that he knew and authorized meetings with BFF Putin's representatives. Fearless leader, Trump, is confident that these claims will prove false even in the face of evidence that it is true; another case of your lying eyes deceiving you.
"Making America Great Again" reached new heights this week when our fearless leader, Trump, met with the Russian Federation's esteemed leader Vlad Putin. The two hour meeting (actually, 90 minutes because Putin had to review the latest "golden shower" tapes again) resulted in a joint statement in which both leaders pledged to work together in destroying western democracies and supporting fascism worldwide.
Well, actually no one knows what they pledged to do since the meeting was one-on-one with no aides. However, Putin and his "asset" agreed that the Mueller investigation was harming US - Russia relations and that the US's intelligence community was totally wrong in blaming Russia for 2016 election meddling. The "useful idiot" even believes that it would be a good idea for Russian investigators to assist Mueller in investigating the twelve Russians indicted last Friday by the Mueller Team.
The meeting in Finland was preceded by the NATO Summit where Trump (Putin's Bitch) once again had to persuade the freeloading member nations to pay their fair share. Trump explained how forty-seven percent of them never contribute and the US is tired of defending them.
On the domestic front, the tariff wars are going well. However, some North Dakota snowflake farmers are crying over lost soybean contracts and pig export tariffs. As usual, the ungrateful suckers want to have their cake and eat it too.
Also, there have been reports some crops are rotting in the fields because ICE has conducted raids leading to the deportation of many of the "drug mules" who were working in those fields. Alo the Texas shrimp industry is poised to lose one million dollars this year because of the "zero tolerance" policy. Stop whining!!!
Finally, our "zero tolerance" immigration plan is suffering a few setbacks from some commie leaning judges who insist that our policy of child stealing is illegal. But the tide is turning in our favor as AG Sessions has added a new assistant AG who has a strong background in anti-immigrant policies.
On this grand holiday it is only right that the progress in "making America great again" is updated.
SCOTUS: fearless leader Trump has interviewed seven candidates for the seat vacated by Anthony Kennedy and all signs point to him selecting a troglodyte to reverse Roe vs Wade, destroy the ACA, affirmative action, and maintain the court's affirmation of corporatocracy. On the political front, Senator Susan Collins of Maine continues her obfuscation about her vote being a possible swing against the nominee. Based on her history of being "pro-life", most observers figure she will fold as usual just as she did on the GOP Tax (scam) Bill . Precedence be damned!
Immigration: three federal judges have ruled against Trump's humane program of kidnapping immigrant kids from their parents. Those commie pinkos have no idea the threat posed by these kids breaking into our country. The country is full, dammit! But on the positive side, private prisons are seeing a surge in stock prices due to our leader's brilliant domestic policies of "zero tolerance" and the revived "war on drugs". This will allow them to donate even more money to the GOP for the midterms. Hail to the leader!
Foreign policy: fearless leader is preparing for the next NATO meeting with our chintzy allies who insist on raising tariffs on American products and not doing their fair share of building adequate defenses against imagined threats.
Domestic policy: fearless leader has ended the discriminatory affirmative action policies of the last administration which favored the hordes of minorities admitted to our finest institutions. Long live the 1950's! Also, HUD has raised the rents on low-income housing dwellers who consistently waste their money on luxury cars, Iphones, and new clothes.
Well, that sums up the great progress being made on this most patriotic of all holidays, enjoy the fireworks.
Comments to think about.